okay so the other night we were in ceramics class, right? it's a class put on by the maggoty city of long beach, so there's a pretty filthy range of ages in there, from josh and i's age up to 60something...

after the teacher goes over how to make a proper bag of dog poo to light on fire and leave on your neighbor's porch, she starts giving directions on that sculpture project i was tellin' ya about. this was some people's first time doing anything with clay outside of the playdoh fun factory, so she started giving a basic overview of how some of the tools work. she demonstrated how to use the wire tool to silence a hobo, and then she showed us how to use it to take a slice of clay off of our huge 25 lb blocks. it was all we could do to not bust up laughing... this one 60something dirty bird starts slicing off some filthy clay and exclaims, "THIS IS JUST HOW I CUT THE CHEESE AT HOME!"

god it's maggoty good fun to channel rachel's filthy language, you know?

happy bi bim bap day!

there's a cafeteria here at work, and the food is standard cafeteria fare: sandwiches, meatloaf, hairnets and such. i try not to eat there too often - while their pattymelts are tasty and everything on the menu tastes like cloves, if you buy lunch every day that's like $25 a week, when sandwiches from home are just a couple of bucks for the entire week. that's not only a looooong sentence, it's smart shopping, people!

but i always, always partake in bi bim bap day. it's this awesome korean dish - picture one of those round foil to-go boxes from macaroni grill. it's rice on the bottom, with a circle of various veggies around the sides. a scoop of seasoned ground beef in the middle, slap a fried egg on top, add the spicy red sauce, oh man i can't wait for lunch.

i just went online looking for recipes for it... i might just try making it sometime. then i'll bring it in on bi bim bap days at work and sell mine at a table outside the cafeteria, essentially stealing all their customers! it'll be amazing!!!

(shaking fist)bi bim bap, people!

the weeks seem to be going by faster and faster, which freaks me out! seriously, how is today thursday? i'm not complaining, hooray for friday, but it feels like tuesday. there must be a rip in the space-time continuum... i wonder if tom cruise has anything to do with it.

i can only dream of one day doing something as badass as this.

it's almost as good as harold and kumar riding a jaguar to safety!

it's almost as good as when m&m's brought back the red m&ms!

it's almost as good as when i punched michelle in the face and stole her wallet!

it's almost as good as the time i helped johnnie cochran come up with "if it don't fit you must eat shit!"

it's almost as good as that yogurt that's a weekend without boys good!

it's almost as good as the oc!

it's almost as good as my stoopid puffy hand!

it's almost as good as eating play-doh! (it's okay kids, it's non-toxic!)

it's almost as good as the time i hired that midget hooker in panama and we went out lookin' for booze, dope and chiclets!

it's almost as good as me giving away 25 points for your "it's almost as good as" comments! each one gets points! collect em all!

okay i'm back after a whirlwind day off! wokka wokka doo doo yeah!

i got some bug bites yesterday, right? and they're hella swollen, which is totally creepy. if i may quote some pink floyd for you, my hands feel like two balloons. or at least the right one does.

this is of interest to you because.... ah.. uh... um... i don't know!

but! ceramics class rocks, the first project we did was a little sculpture thing, where you ball up some newspaper, wrap that in tape, and put the clay around it. apparently the newspaper will burn up in the kiln, leaving a fabulous sculpture that will be the envy of all your friends. my alligator will kick the crap outta you any day of the week! and if doesn't, then along comes josh's applecoremonkeyskull to finish the job!

brian just walked by and asked what happened to my face... i guess the bug bites are a bit more noticeable than i thought? i'm gonna start telling everyone josh beats me. and then under my breath i'll say (at bejewelled) but people won't hear that, they'll just turn josh in for being an abusive boyfriend. i think that's about the point that madcap mayhem will ensue!

last night michelle, lori and i went to hermosa suzys, because their friend jeff's in this comedy band raymond and scum, and they were having a show.

first lemme tells ya about hermosa suzys. their waitresses are the jerkiest jerks that ever jerked, okay? what a bunch of sourpusses! oh my freaking lord! i don't know how it worked out for the other disney people we were sitting with, but the three of us asked our waitress if we could split the bill, me on one and them on the other, and i thought she was about to cut me. no joke. and pass on the spinach dip, people, unless you like spinach soup with huge hunks of cheese in it. and they gave us like 3 chips to eat the dip with. (i forgot to check if they charged us for the extra chips i asked for later...) the drinks, they were tasty, cuz there's nothing you can do to screw up taking a bottlecap off a corona or a twisty apple drink thing.

now i will transition into telling you about the bands that came on before raymond and scum. it will be a completely smooth transition. lovely. did you notice? see, you totally didn't. okay now here's where i tell you we weren't really paying attention to the bands before raymond and scum... there was just too much drinkin' goin on. i feel bad saying that, i mean i really did try to listen and keep an open mind, you know? but we were too busy drinking and being jackasses. therefore, they get no more mention here.

by the time the third guy was finishing up his set i was trying to remember just how sharp is that girl scout knife i keep in my purse, because sweet lord if raymond and scum didn't start playing soon i was going to have to slit my wrists. thank god that was completely unneccessary, as raymond and scum came on, and it was very, very fun! good music, fun lyrics... and they brought michelle up on stage to serenade her with their classic hit, "sweet little stripper" which always earns points in my book!

also completely original, was they were selling cds. what's that, you say? every band does that? no. does every band have the cds that are for sale on stage with them, and do they let you interrupt the song they're playing to go up to the stage and buy one? i think not. so i took advantage of that, made an ass of myself, and it was funny. probably mostly because i was a bit, um, two sheets to the wind is one that josh is fond of saying.

so for rocking out, i bestow upon raymond and scum the steph seal of approval, and i highly recommend their cd, you will not be disappointed! thier "does this make me gay" will surely be a campfire classic for the generations!

question: who's got experience with spray gloss? i've got a 16" x 20" painting of a hooker that i've been working on for weeks, and it's finally almost done. i did the spray gloss thing today, and used up like half a can... is that normal, or am i addicted to spray gloss?

the dmv was painfully hassle-filled yesterday. long story short they screwed up the last time i renewed, and they didn't record the "steph only has one eye" paperwork i had to send em last time, so i get to jump through the hoops again before they'll renew it. but this time is so much more awesome because yours truly gets to take a filthy driving test! great! just great! thanks!

this should be interesting, seeing as the last time i took a dmv driving test i almost hit a parked car while coming out of their parking lot onto the street. sure, that was ten-plus years ago, but it should be fun? question mark?

cheers to gettin' out of work early today!

jeers to havin' to go renew my drivers license at the dmv, which i'm sure is short for demonic monster vortex, and i'm not lookin' forward to that at all!

keep your fingers crossed that there are no hassle-type shenanigans when i take my eye test, as i can't remember if i could see outta that eye or not the last time i did one for ca...

and cheers to microwave oatmeal, which i'm about to go make a mug of right now, since there's no good snacks handy!

jeers to your face!

no, i'm kidding, i quite like your face! unless you're hitler. then, not so much.

the plan for yesterday was: get outta work at 2:30 and have literally gobs of time to go home, eat something, saunter over to disneyland to pick up michelle, mosey on over to the convention center for danielle's graduation, and then book it back to long beach after taking michelle back to work so i could go to ceramics class.

and it was like the gods were against me doing anything at all, you know what i mean? i get on the freeway that never has any traffic, and there was a big fatty accident so instead of taking 25-30 minutes to get home it took over an hour. get off the freeway in long beach and realize garrrr, there's no time to stop at home and eat i better head towards anaheim. so i drive over by michelle's house and pause at the atm and mcdonalds, and then advanced token to michelle's work. she got outta work late, around 4:45. it's okay, there's still time, graduation starts at 5... we drive quite fast down the one block between d-land and the convention center and when we got there we were met with complete gridlock. parking madness. millions and bajillons of cars all trying to cut in front of each other to get into the parking lot for this graduation.

finally, we get a parking spot and enter the building at about 5:45. as we're bookin' it down the hall, i whipped out my cameraphone to snap a couple of pics as evidence of our incognitoness... thinkin' to myself they probably started a bit late, knowing the parking situation outside, and graduations have tons of speeches and stuff so i bet we do get to see danielle walk across the stage. we get into exhibit hall d, and it turns out they're very streamlined in how their graduations work. we got there with just enough time to see the last 20 kids go across the stage. there was a brief pause in the ceremony as people all started clapping and screaming, and we realized if we didn't leave before the alma mater was played we would spend another 20 hours trying to get out of the parking lot. i got a little weepy when the kids all threw their hats... cuz i'm sentimental and stuff, you know? and little danielle's growin' up... even though we missed most of it, i'm still glad we got to go.

dropped michelle back off at work, booked it the 30something miles back to long beach, got to ceramics class a half hour late... the thing was supposed to go for another 2.5 hours, and it was over ten minutes after i got there. i'm slightly upset that they didn't give us the material list when we signed up, cuz that first class "here's your material list now get outta my face" was kind of a big fattie waste of time and money, but it seems like it'll be cool anyways. we're gonna make whistles in a couple of weeks, and i will use mine to piss off my neighbors. it'll be amazing!

oh right... i'm supposed to be working. i should go.

cheers to danielle on her graduation!

do you bring your lunch to work? good for you! it's quite economical.

but a word of warning to you; you may be giving yourself a horrible reputation by doing so. without even knowing it!

before heading out the door in the morning, take a second look at that lunchbag you're using. you know, the one you got while out shopping last weekend. you may think the pink and white striped victoria's secret bag is cute and fits your ham sandwich and snack sized bag of cheetos just right, but the message you send to others when you enter the breakroom is this:

"i eat panties for lunch."

just a little while ago, i got hungree. (want some candy fatty!? poke poke!) and i hastened to the vending machine in the break room; all of my beloved twix had been eaten. GARRRRRRR!!! what's a fattty to do!?

so i decided to try a whatchamacalit, since i'd never had one before and it was like the only chocobar sort of thing left in the machine... everything else is fruity candy like jellybeans or healthy options like wheat thins and we all know how i feel about being healthy.

(hey there's a little earthquake goin' on as i type. and nobody cares. it makes me chuckle.)

wait you don't know how i feel about being healthy? here it is in a nutshell. i like candy. mmmmm, candy.

okay so back to the story. i got a whatchamacalit. and i guess it was okay. it wasn't a superterrific, where have you been all my life sort of candy-eating. it was just... adequate. and i think it's crispy pieces were too messy, i had to keep picking crumbs outta my crotchal region, which can be embarassing if someone happens to stop at your desk while you're cleanin up. thankfully no one did. but it woulda been good comedy, you know what i'm sayin?

i'm just a little disappointed that this candy wasn't more spectacular, though... i remember when i was little, watching saturday morning cartoons, and a whatchamacalit commercial would come on and i'd be all "man, i bet that's the awesomest candy ever" and i'd crap my pants just dreaming of the day that i would finally get to try it. and now that day's here and all i can say is meh? that's very disappointing, whatchamacalit-making-people.

your assignment is this: list a candy here that you've always meant to try but haven't. and then go out to a store, buy it, and write about your experience with it. did you love it? did you hate it so much you punched yourself in the face for ever having eaten it?

list the candy you've never had and you get 50 points. and then going out and doing the research on that candy, and i mean buying it and eating it, and discussing it here, will get you another 150! all research must be completed and reported by friday at midnight!

if done later than that it's worth bupkiss. and by bupkiss i mean ZERO!

(i like how i'm encouraging the very healthy GO EAT CANDY! lifestyle. way to go steph, way to go.)

OHMYGOD!!! holy crap! congrats to jenn and john who are gettin' hitched! she will wear red and ride in on an elephant, and john will poop himself! you heard it here first!

i'm so excited i can only use exclamation points for the rest of the day!!!!!!!!!!

!!!

does this mean another trip to savannah in the near future! oh i hope so! josh will you be my date!

that's assuming i'm invited at all! there was that bit of unpleasantness when i threw a cup of water in jenn's face a while back - we were at a bar and she was the chick singing on the jukebox and i didn't believe her but you know, whatevs! bygones and crap!

no wait that was the movie version of valley of the dolls! i'm neely o'hara!!!

man these exclamation points get annoying! congrats jenn! and john! you rock the casbah!

i'm very, very, very very disappointed, people.

very disappointed, indeed.

how obnoxiously hilarious were we all in savannah this april? how many good times were had, how many times did we tear up whatever joint we happened to be in? crazy shenanigans all the time! stop and think - the weekend, in a word, was fuckin-crazyass-madness.

am i right? you know i am.

and we all took fifty bazillion pictures of the madcap mayhem!

so how did we not show up in the latest installment of the scad alumni magazine at all?

we should take care of that soon so we can get a couple of jackass pics in the next one so our fellow alumni can look through the magazine, and see our shining drunkass faces and say "HEY!!! what a bunch of drunken jackasses! how'd they get in the magazine!?!"

and we'll be all "we slept with the president of the college, duh!"

and they'll be all "luckyyy!!!"

and we'll be all "uh uh, have you seen her these days? weeeeeeeOOOOOOO!"

and they'll be all SPLOOSH!! with a glass of water in our faces to shut us up.

it's gonna be awesome. so don't delay, send scad pics today!

and brian, did you ever get around to sending out the disc of compiled pics? cuz i never got mine if you did...

cheers to maria being back in town for a few days! last night maria, ann, josh and myself went and had persian food at this place called darya over by south coast plaza (the mall where marissa stole the watch from in season 1 of the oc for you out-of-towners), and it was much better food than i expected! not that i thought it'd be gross, just different, you know? but it was delicious. our waiter was extremely friendly without sounding completely fake about it, and that weirded me out a little. he almost sounded like that guy on the simpsons who had a stroke...

but it was tasty! then we all walked over to metro point and since we'd obviously not eaten in eons had to get something at jamba juice, much to the dismay of josh and his hatred of all things communist. after blended fruit drinks were procured we hastened back to the automobiles, because one of josh's friends from high school was also in town for the night. so back to huntington beach, we went to the hush hush secret on the down low cop club i can't talk about... but i will say this. what the hell is this sippy cup doing on the counter? man those crooked cops'll give anyone booze.

we left there around midnight or so and drove over to the explorer building to show josh's friend where they meet and stuff. and as we were all getting into our cars and leaving i saw the most amazing thing. better than this sippy cup on the bar. i turned my car around and was passing the gate to the heliport (i guess that's what it's called? where they park the copters?) i thought i saw a stray cat. not too spectacular, blah blah blah. but then i looked again as my headlights passed over it, and it was A HUMONGOUS RACCOON!!! it was insane! i've never seen a raccoon this close before, and being in my car made it feel like i was on safari watching crazy wild beasts in their natural habitat. it was so freaking cool.

but what was it doing in suburbia? 25 points for your theories!

okay i just got some very bad news. apparently there's a problem with the jeff goldblum e-cards page, and that makes me very sad.

a moment of silence, please.

okay now go back to congratulating my damn sister!!!

my sincerest, wildest, most haywire, baby geniusest, crapified tnt, stench-filled, gut-wrenching, toilet exploding congratulations to my sister danielle, who just let us know that she got a full scholarship to cal state dominguez hills!

you best congratulate that girl on all her damn accomplishments, because i'm so proud i just punched a bum and pooped my pants AT THE SAME TIME!!!

BABY GENIUSES!!!

if you're stumped in how to send your very best, nothing says hey congratulations danielle like a hand-picked goldblum-o-gram. i'm just sayin.

and now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to bust out my filing cabinet so i can get out the monthly statements from my 30 thousand in student loans that i still owe, and i'm going to roll around in them and cry myself to sleep.

okay so days later, that fradulent charge finally showed up as someone trying to hornswaggle me through paypal. they tried to make it look like i'd bought a television from them through ebay. what does this mean to me? my paypal account's all screwed up now with a huge negative balance, i gotta go through 500 steps to show them i am indeed the person the account belongs to...

i wonder if the email address of the dude i supposedly bought this tv from works. i'm fighting to not send outrageously offensive emails to him detailing how badly i want to kick his ass right now for giving me these hassles to deal with!

last night we went to a beach party for the explorers and it was gud times, ate some burgers, drank some soda, poked some kids in the stomach...

what's funny about these beach parties (cuz from the look of it, it happens all the time) is the kids use this time to try and tackle the cops who are supervising, and the cops bust out some crazy arrest/control techniques leaving the instigator pinned in the sand laughing his ass off.

and then firemen get outta control with pyrotechnics. and that's our cue to exit. seriously, it was outta hand with the explosions and fire. okay, maybe no explosions. but the fire more than made up for it. and that's our cue to exit...

p.s. i got an invite to a short shorts party today courtesy of paul, and while i don't live in nyc i want to go so bad it hurts deep inside. i may have to have a short shorts party of my own to feel better.

okay so we just had another earthquake, cue the media coverage!

fox channel 11: where were you when the earthquake hit?

steph: i was sitting at my desk working, alex.

fox channel 11: and what did it feel like?

steph: it felt quite a lot like me crapping my pants.

fox channel 11: you crapped your pants?

steph: that is correct alex.

you know what today is?

that's right, it's thursday!

man i have absolutely nothing to talk about today... jenn and i have been wreakin' haiku havoc over there on conversations about famous people, and my favorite one she's written so far is this:

paris and paris
what will you name your children
paris and paris?

write me a haiku, any ol' haiku will do - it's easy, just 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. do it and get 25 points! write a bunch and amass some points!


write me a haiku
i will give you gobs of points
write it already!

the haiku that makes me laugh the hardest before midnight on friday night will get 200 points!

now that it's over, i just wanna put in my two cents about the michael jackson verdict.

the whole thing irritates me to no end.

it's like the oj trial all over again, is what josh and i were talking about the other day. i really think mj did it. andi can't believe jurors are actually saying on the news that they didn't find him guilty because they didn't like the accuser's mother.

WTF, mate? so this kid, given he did say he was and then he wasn't molested at various times in the past few years. all the creepiness that i heard through news reports and whatnot says to me hey, he really did get molested.

and he doesn't get justice because the jurors don't like his mom!?!?

WTF!!!

25 points to you for your thoughts on it, or 100 for your best michael jackson joke!

god i hate it when people mess with your stuff, you know?

you've all heard about phishing, i'm sure - where crooks disguised as legitimate companies email you saying your account is in danger of going inactive if you don't follow the link in the email and update your account information.

apparently it works in other fucked up ways, too, as i just found out. i don't even know why i just went to my bank website, but i did. and someone had just put a charge from paypal through for $1,870.00.

$1,870.00?!?!?I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT $1,870.00 LOOKS LIKE!!!

so i freaked out and went to my paypal account. and there was no record of that transaction ANYWHERE. someone had made themselves look like paypal and then took money that i don't even have! what a bastard!!

i just got off the phone with my bank, and they're rectifying the problem. which is great. but why do people have to mess with your stuff!?!? GARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!

how's this for inconvenient? i parked under a tree last night and a gazillion birds took a dump on my windshield.

why yes i did get a car wash this weekend, thanks for asking!

but it's funny, because there's so much poo on my windshield from this one night, that it obstructs my vision when i'm driving. now, normally not being able to see when you drive is no laughing matter. and so i thought to myself "steph, safety first, you must stop at the gas station before getting on the freeway and clean that crap off."

but the gas station didn't have any wiper fluid in any of their wiper fluid holder things, you know, the buckets with the squeegees? yeah. they were all empty. and i was running late. so i'm still driving around with this ton of poop on my car. it's gross and hilarious at the same time.

my car is the poopmobile.

completely unrelated, but 25 points to you for saying what you did with your summer vacation so far, 50 extra if you cured a disease or won a nobel prize or both... extra points will be awarded for creativity too, i think.

okay so we had a little earthquake like 20 minutes ago, right?

seriously, it was little, like a 5 something.

i love when something like this happens and it's all they talk about on the news. OH MY GOD WE HAD AN EARTHQUAKE!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!

just calm down everyone. there's a bit of damage close to the epicenter, but no injuries, no deaths, everyone's fine. so shut up already!!!

right now they're interviewing people who are calling in to the news, and they're asking what it felt like.

"well bob, it was like the earth... was quaking..."

what a bunch of dorks!

so i'm on google images this morning, looking for a good beach picture to use for a project, and i found a link to the website of the writer of one of the awesomest movies ever, psycho beach party!

if you haven't seen it go rent it like, right now. it's hilarious.

my favorite part of the movie is the big beach party near the end, because about a year before i'd seen the movie i found the exact same dress that chiclet's wearing at the oshkosh goodwill store. amazing!

if you like cheezy films, this is surely for you!

so i've done my share of freelance art - character design, mural painting, blah blah blah... but i've never actually sold a painting that i did on my own with no prodding from others until today!

cheers to angela for being the first person to ever buy one of my paintings!

and cheers to the 6000 points that went along with it!

y'all better catch up quick, it's already june!

okay lemme tell you my niece and nephew are the cutest kids ever, and they will fight your nieces and nephews to the death in a steel cage of cuteness with puppies, kitties, hearts and laserbeams! KAPOW!

last night we went to their preschool's end of the school year show. i didn't realize the school was actually a school school, like a preK through 5th grade school, because from the street you only see the little tiny preschool building. but when you go through the building to the back door and go outside, the place just blows up into swimming pools and playgrounds and elephant rides and laser light shows! insane.

so the show was pretty cool. there were some kids doing a play; to break that up into smaller more digestable chunks, after every scene or so another class would come out and sing a song. which sounds like it should be totally boring. but you're wrong!!! during the play, it was awesome watching how the kids handled the unexpected... as one scene progressed one of the charts and graphs that were hanging on the wall started falling down, and then it crashed to the floor with a mighty plop.

during another scene, there were some kids standing around the corner of the building waiting to go back to their classroom after they sang, and the automatic sprinklers turned on, getting them all soaked. the best part about that shenanigan was the girl who was delivering her lines at that particular moment just stopped midsentence and started craning her neck, trying to see what all the parents were giggling at. it was awesome.

and here's where i tell you my niece and nephew will fight a rabid tiger and subdue it with nothing more than a simple "aw you're a cute kitty let's play tea party together". when most of the classes came out on stage to sing, they were for the most part like the kids in the school scene from pink floyd's the wall. (oh you should rent that if you haven't seen it. it's pretty amazing.) just marching solemnly on stage, singing their songs with not a ton of personality and then shuffling off to eat rice cakes and sort their socks, or whatever boring children do.

not to say these other kids weren't cute.

but they certainly didn't shout "OH THERE'S GRANDMA!" when they came onstage like hailey did. they also didn't proceed to yell hi to everyone else that showed up that she knew, like so: "AND THERE'S GRANDPA! HI GRANDPA! HI STEPH! OH THERE'S DADDY! AND BRANDON!!" and she was just pleased as punch, and laughing and crap. and they hadn't even begun singing yet! her class was the most spirited, i think, the most into doing the hand motions that went along with the songs, the happiest to be on stage...

and then jacob's class came out a little while later, and before they started he was just kinda lookin' around on stage, like he didn't really realize what was going on. so i say "jaaaaaaaaaaacoooooob" a couple of times and finally catch his attention and he looks over and his whole face lights up that we're all there to see him, and proceeds to sing the class' song with his hands scrunching up his cheeks the whole time, making hilarious faces.

my niece and nephew are amazingly entertaining kids, is what it comes down to. that's all i gotta say.

everybody's workin' for the weekend! AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH!

i've got zip to talk about... hm... lessee... this is bob christmas hope, what the hell you want for christmas?

i can't wait to see hailey and jake's end of the school year show tonight, should be funny good times!

and... uh... um... well... i guess that's it.

the end!

no, really, there's no more to say. stop reading.

go do something else!!!

...

...

...

wouldn't it suck if you kept scrolling down and there really wasn't anything interesting to read, i just kept stringing you along?

...

...

man, that'd be jerkface of me.

...

i should stop before it gets annoying.

...

SEE! MR. UNIVERSE HOLD AN ENTIRE PHONE BOOTH ABOVE HIS HEAD!!!

...

SEE! MR. UNIVERSE POOP HIMSELF!!!

...

now steph, that was uncalled for. just go play some solitaire or something.

aaaaaaaaaaaaand scene!

there's a new employee on the books at steph lehman online!

everyone please greet josh, who is our new vice president of creative solutions.

or viking principal of craptastic sorbetions

or voluptuous priest of sloppy contusions

you get the picture. he can't give out points but he's got his own business cards and he can sure drum up freelance business for yours truly! fracture his new title in the comments and get fifty points!

and make sure you send him a congratulatory email at josh@stephlehman.com!

lemme tell you about my sister's new cat, mr. pickles.

he's insane.

i'm sitting at her house right now, waiting for her to get home, and apparently this cat loves the computer. he's sitting on my lap watching the screen intently as i type, and every time i move the mouse he goes apeshit trying to catch the pointer on the screen. it's awesome. right now he's looking up at me like he's saying, "dude, do that thing with the pointer again. this typing crap's dull."

okay i have a very important question.

what does a kabbalah string look like, because i think i saw someone wearing one? is it literally just a red string tied around your wrist? and is kabbalah a religion, or is that just the name of the book and the religion goes by something else?

and what do the kabbalahists believe in? will she try to get me to bow down to the corn dog god? i mean, i love corn dogs as much as the next guy, but do i really want to worship them as an all-powerful entity? no.

will i catch kabbalah from shaking this girl's hand? will i catch kabbalah from a toilet seat?

help me out, cuz i'm confused. what i really want to know is madonna undercover, seein' what it's like to be a workin' girl tryin' to make it in the workin' world, and did i just blow her cover?

oh jennnnnn, look what i found....

let me tell you that one of the best ways to spend a saturday night is to go on a quest for frozen white castle burgers and beer, and then sit down to watch harold and kumar go to white castle! here, let angela demonstrate the proper white castle box handling technique! cheers to a night of roboting and drinking!


also, this just in: i finally saw pretty in pink!

it was really good, i loved iona but hated ducky and wanted to punch him in the face during the entire movie! does this make me a heartless bastard?

also, if andie had gone into business designing prom dresses for old ladies i bet she would've made a killing... or i have no fashion sense whatsoever.

but it was awesome nonetheless, and it felt good to tick off from the list another 80s movie that i've always heard was awesome but have never ever seen.

speaking of, josh and i were talking about how i should actually write down the names of all these movies i haven't seen so i can rent of a bunch of em and take care of business. 25 points to you if you name an awesome 80s movie that i haven't seen and should!

since brian's demanding a more interesting topic to discuss, let me tell you about what i heard on the news today.

warning:the following may include adult content not suitable for the faint of heart or small children. thank you.

so i'm sitting here on the computer just a little while ago, working on a brochure and business card for the huntington beach search & rescue guys, and i've got the abc7 news on in the background, just kind of listening to this morning's headlines.

and in local news, apparently cops were called to a rowdy party last night. the reporter reports that they stumbled upon an underground cock-fighting ring. they went on to talk about where this party was, and what happened leading up to the discovery.

then, while closing up this story to move on to another, the reporter uttered the most hilarious thing i've ever heard on a serious news show.
i swear i'm not making this up.

...

...

ready for it? you better sit down.

...

...

while i'm thinking about it, take a drink of water so you can do a spit take when you read the next sentence.

...

she said, "police are still searching for the owner of the cock ring."

if it was brought to the station as evidence, i hope they used gloves and some tongs to pick it up with.

25 points to you if you've heard reporters say something completely jacked up on the air by accident and tell us about it here!

also, when watching JEOPARDY!!!, there's nothing more fun that yelling out the most random swears you can think of as answers, and then acting sad when you find out you're wrong.

apparently i'm not that clever, because someone else is using mexcellent as a word, too. and they went so far as to put it on a shirt.

and i kinda sorta want it.

is that wrong? i also like their drugstore bandit tee.

so during lunch, sarah dropped the bombshell that she's never had a churro before. this idea of never having had one of the most perfect fair foods ever is foreign to me.

perhaps even worse than that is she's never had funnel cake, either.

and it got me wondering: just how widespread is this epidemic of not eating tasty good food?

25 points to you for telling me if you have or haven't had either one of these wonderful things, and your impression of each. do you love em? do you hate em? do you wish they'd stop talking and just run for president already? and if you haven't eaten these classic fried foods, then you best get to a local fair or theme park fast, because you're missin' out!

god i want a funnel cake with boysonberries on top so bad right now, i could die or poop myself!

i forgot to tell you guys that i saw the best movie EVER on tuesday night.

i don't understand why i never saw it before, because it's highly regarded as a classic, one of the lead actor's best works.

folks, i'm talking about a little film called commando.

god that movie's awesome. start to finish awesome. sweet explosions, awesome use of phone booths and oversized balloons in a mall, amazing acting...

and every time arnie did a "lookit me i'm so strong" stunt it reminded me of old 50s horror movie trailers, and it was probably really annoying but every time he did something like turn a car over i yelled "SEE! (picture that word see in a starburst, and the rest of this sentence in a drippy font with italics) MR. UNIVERSE FLIP A CAR!!!"

also, josh's brother chris was telling me predetor's got some good one-liners, too, like he throws a knife at some dude and the guy gets pinned to a tree and arnie says "stick around". so every time arnold threw something that stabbed a dude while we were watching commando i said in my best schwarzie voice "stick around. dickwad."

what i'm saying here people is i am awful to watch that kind of movie with because i get completely hyper and can't shut the hell up.

and before i go, alyssa milano pre-whos-the-boss wasn't half bad, either. though i'd rather have charles in charge of me, you know what i'm sayin? joanie loves chachie!!!

for the record i don't feel like doing anything today, i'm kinda irritable, and everything is making me uncomfortable, from the way my jacket (that i've worn a billion times) hits my neck to the way my stoopid office chair feels.

i think i need some snacks. or drano.