p.s., i just want to tell you all that i'm very witty. i was just goin' down the list of buddies to your left, reading blogs and crap, and brian recently posted something about a guy in college that everyone but him knew that was, in essence, his clone.

and i have to put my comment to this whole thing on my blog for no other reason than it made me laugh my ass off for 15 minutes. then i pooped myself. hope it does the same for you.

*********************

what mark meant to say was he was off to check the anals. whatever that means.

this one time at a kegger, i met a girl who looked exactly like me, too - and i mean she looked EXACTLY like me. in that same creepy way you were talking about. same pixie haircut, same shitty cheap ballchain necklace from claires boutique, same beatup chucks... it was weird. and we had so much to talk about, like we'd known each other all our lives!!! we kind of ended up making out later that night.

the next day my friends told me this story about how i got completely wasted at the party and spent the better part of 3 hours mumbling to myself and licking a mirror. dear lord to this day i hope my twin didn't see me do it, cuz that's just embarassing.

so i just got done eating the best omlette ever. i just kept opening my fridge and finding more crap to put in it, and it was awesome. i believe it breaks down to eggs, swiss cheese, bacon bits, a roma tomato and some of those spicy alfalfa sprouts, with chulula sauce on top. yum.

one of the cool things about josh is he makes coming up with stuff to do with my website incredibly easy. actually working on it's another matter entirely. but we've got some insane plans for the thing, which have only been divulged to the select few and must stay that way for safekeeping. anyhow, sooner or later i'd like to have a section in there where you can download desktop images and things like that, you know?

but no, brian's gotta be impatient and take a tiny image from the blog and use that as his wallpaper on his computer. this simply will not do, as the image is being used in a way the church didn't intend. or maybe it does look cool... but just in case it's lacking brian, how about you check out the new official desktop image of the church of the oc?

two of my favorite things in the world:

1) i love my stoopid health insurance. i went to the optometrist last october to get a referral to an opthamologist and thusly get my stoopid eye checked out for new and gross anomolies. and the optometrist i saw said okay they'll probably get back to you to make an appointment in a couple of weeks. they called me yesterday.

2) i got one of those "hey you have a package but you weren't home so we took it back to the post office, get off your lazy ass and come pick it up" notices from the mailman yesterday - there's three possibilities as to what it could be:

a) my 60s kfc uniform dress (it's about damn time, i ordered it two weeks ago you bums!!!)
b) that present toyota said they were sending me for my car having 250,000 miles on it
c) the sample two week supply of taster's choice i requested after watching the apprentice a couple of weeks ago
d) a flaming bag of dog poo
e) all of the above
f) none of the above
g) my autographed copy of confessions of an heiress

3) i'm getting my hairs cut tomorrow and i have no idea what i'm doing to it yet... i kinda like the length it is on top but i still wanna chop it all off and go back to pixie hair. i dunno. suggestions?

last weekend i saw this truck on the way to the gym:



and i thought it'd be so awesome if you opened the back of that truck and it was chock full of kitties, like a huge tangle of thousands of cats squished together, meowing.

but that couldn't be right, so i asked jenn. she was able to find this site and was able to figure out the words "to comfortably pack".

which was a good start, but i'm a nosy bastard and wanted to know everything about everything. so we took it to our crack team of investigators headed up by sarah, coming to us live from japan, and she had this to say about it:

*******************
Hey Steph....yep I've been studin' the old Japanese but I evoked the magic of one of my more experienced friends to get the exact meaning for ya ahahahaha...here's what he says:

It can basically be translated as "Moving Easy Peasy Pack" . . .

Like a lot of corporate slogans in the world, it doesn't precisely fall under the category of "normal speak." I guess the meaning they are trying to communicate is "packing and moving made incredibly easy."

So there ya have it!!  This company is actually a delivery service company here in Japan.  I've used it a few times already to have my luggage shipped down to the airport in Tokyo 'cuz it's impossible to lug that stuff on buses and trains.  The company in japan is called "Neko kuro" or something there abouts....meaning "black cat."  But here all the cats are Black w/ yellow background so you'll see 'em everywhere.  Yep the kitten's cute, huh??  Hope you're both doing well!!!  Gotta go run teach some spastic 4th graders....gotta love em ;)!  Take care, Sarah chan
********************

and there you have it! extensive research shows that fourth graders are, indeed, spastic!!!

also, i'm supposed to work for another hour but everyone's gone home and i'm all lonely, so i think i'll call some 900 numbers from my bosses desk instead.

okay, lemme get this straight.

and please, correct me if i misunderstood.

but the secret to not having a pantyline is to not wear your panties pulled all the way up!??!!

wtf!??!!?!?!

maybe two months ago or something like that, i was heading to michelle's house - comin' up the 405 north, exited valley view, and while stopped at that light the gayest car ever was turning onto the 22 west. i mean it was bad. picture a hummer. but it's not a lame enough car, so put that hummer on monster truck tires. still not nearly dumb enough? okay, picture a ton of chrome everywhere. you'd think that'd be bad enough, but you'd be wrong. now paint that car in your head bright pink.

i was so sad that i couldn't get a picture of it or something to show all my friends - even if i had had my cameraphone out and ready there wouldn't have been any time, it was there for literally a split second.

b. o. o. h. o. o.

saturday as i was out and about running errands, my travels took me to the westminster mall. i'm just chattin' on the phone with jenn, turn into the parking lot, and what's driving around in front of me? that dumbass pink hummer again!!!

i was not about to let this opportunity go by... i had a cameraphone in my purse and nothing to do, so after making sure the driver didn't look like she could beat me up i followed it around the mall as it looked for parking. she seemed to start taking some erratic turns, maybe to see if i was indeed following her big retarded car, so i veered off and drove around the entire mall. by the time i got back to the macy's parking lot, driving very slowly and mysteriously mind you, she had already parked and gone inside.

so i did get my picture this time - it was really, really bright out so it didn't turn out that great... you hardly see the chrome cuz it's hidden in the big fat tree shadow. and when i took the pic from the other side of the car there was so much light goin' on you couldn't see anything at all... but the fact that i went to this much trouble for a picture of a big stupid car should both amaze and worry you...

for xmas this year my brother brandon gave me a gift certificate to a cool record store in huntington beach that i'd never been to before. so i went yesterday and it was like going to goodwill times a hundred, cuz it was all good stuff and very reasonably priced. i got a lot of fun stuff for ze olde fisher price player - johnny cash, the gogos, elvis, wham!, neil diamond, oooo and that tina turner with tiny dancer on it!

what was superawesome, possibly the one i was most excited about, was that madonna one from that old dick tracy movie. what's irritating is this - it's shrinkwrapped, so it's possibly a brand new record, there's no visible scratches at all anywhere on either side, but it skips like a girl on her way to kindergarten. and it's not just a couple seconds from one song. like every song on both sides is like that. i've got records that look much worse but play fine all the way through, what the hell gives?

friends with record players, what should i do? i really don't want to return it if i don't have to, i don't think they had another one. gaynations.

now when i pass the collection plate around in a second it's no fair saying you gave at the office...

okay so i'm jumping on the bandwagon here, and i updated the links over there - namely fanny got herself a blog that she's apparently going to write in, and jenn found a couple of freakin hilarious blogs (fugly and conversations about famous people) that basically just rip on celebrities. pure comedy gold.

i'm almost too excited about getting that 4 drawer file cabinet from michelle's garage this weekend, because that means like 3 more moving boxes (hi, from last may, i'm a little slow) go in the trash!!! i also may be able to finally get rid of this one milk crate that i may or may not have had since working at river street sweets in 97 or so.

this is officially the most interesting blog entry you have ever or will ever read. the end. i'm off to scratch my foot fungus.

one of my favorite party memories from college involves going to some kegger at some kid's house i didn't know. me and the kids i went with, (i think it was chad and mark, they lived on oglethorpe street...) we stopped at that liquor store on habersham was it? (if you know the name i'll give you five hundred dollars cuz now it's bugging me) and we all bought tiny bottles of liquor and had em in our pockets. cuz mark said they taste like dessert, and that's what classy boozehounding college kids bring when they're going to a classy kegging soiree.

so we show up at this party, and my friend vinnie was there. vinnie always cracked my shit up - i think we had an animation class together at some point (trav, do you remember him?), and he was one of the kids i worked with at the civic center later (laura, i know you do!). anyways, fuckin hilarious guy. so in the kitchen at this party, i show him the little bottle of baileys and he freaks out because it's so much better than cheap keg beer. and i'm all "hey let's share it!"

vinnie says "yeah! but we gotta be quiet about it because if other people see this bottle everyone's gonna want it."

and when i'm wasted, being subtle apparently means standing in front of vinnie holding my jacket open and saying loudly "HEY VINNIE YOU CAN DRINK IT NOW, NO ONE WILL SEE YOU!!!"

and i remember just laughing my ass off, and later passing out at mark and chad's place.

the point to my story is i got a message from vinnie today on friendster and it's just really cool that after all these years that we've all been outta college, and all the thousands of miles between everyone... it's just neat to hear from old friends through the wonders of the internet.

and that my friends, is why the babysitter's dead.

okay i'm eating one of my last two boxes of vday conversation hearts and i shit you not i found these two phrases in the box:

wise up

let's read

the necco people aren't even trying anymore! my dead frog (rest his soul!) could come up with better shit and he couldn't even speak!!!

By popular request, let me share the introductory letter you will recieve in the mail when you join the Church of the OC:

Mr./Ms. (your name here):

On behalf of the Church of the OC, let me welcome you to our congregation! Marissa wanted me to let you know she's got the name of a great liquor store that sells to teens out in Arizona if you'd like to get your highschool students off on the right foot for the last few months of school.

We'll be having an ice cream social later this month, and while he's become a kinder, gentler Chino this season, Ryan promises to make an appearance and break a few noses just for old times sake. We could put in a special request for a scuffle between the two of you if you feel it would help acclimate you to the group quicker?

We remind you that mass will be held Thursdays at 8 (7 Central) at your local FOX affiliate, please do not be late - Sandy and KiKi Cohen are very laid back about it, but it does tend to send Mrs. Cooper into a fit of rage, and no one wants that.

Oh, and Luke was wondering if you'd learned about the truth about his dad yet? That's surely an episode not to be missed in Season 1.

Anyways, welcome again, and if there's anything you need from the Church of the OC please don't hesitate to let Jenn Norwood or myself know.

Sincerely,
steph lehman

TGIOCD!!!! (thank god it's obsessive compulsive disorder? NO! thank god it's OC day!!!)

what's that, you say? you hate the oc?

you, my friend, are a 'tard. please let me share this email with you. it's from brian, our reporter in arizona, who used to scoff at the OC but has very recently converted:

**********************

From : Brian G
Sent : Wednesday, February 16, 2005 10:48 PM
To : steph lehman
Subject : The O.C. Fucking Rules!

Steph,
  Last weekend I finally broke down and rented the first disc of the O.C. to see what it was all about. I finished it that day and immediately went back for the next three discs.  You're right, that show is awesome.  I can't get enough. Freaking hilarious.  So, basically, I'm only sorry that I didn't start watching it last year when you told me I should.  I am ashamed.  man,
I'm gonna go watch some more RIGHT NOW!

**********************

the email went on to talk about the time we rented a two dollar whore and paid her in nickels...

how to make steph swoon (and crap herself) (and then excuse herself to go clean up said crap) (and then yell at herself in the mirror for crapping herself in front of other people) (and then climb out the window because she's just too embarrassed about the crap incident to keep moving forward with the evening) (and then break her leg):

1. show up at steph's house bearing flowers and vandals cds

2. after dinner and much shenanigans yelling at supernanny on tv, suggest watching wet hot american summer

okay so yesterday i was gonna get so much done around the house... i was gonna clean up the place, work on the website, maybe work some more on trav's scarf, do some laundree...

i got the laundree part done at least - after i threw that stuff in the machines downstairs, i went to take my trash out. being that i live in a slightly questionable neighborhood, i always lock the door to my apt., even if i'm just gonna be gone 30 seconds to throw out the garbage. and as i turn around from the trashcans, my hand goes to my pocket to get my keys and ohhhhhh crap. i've got no keys on me.

but i did have a dollar twenty five in change for the dryers. so i went to the pay phone and called michelle's house. no one home. called josh's cell, and his brother was home so he came and picked me up. i hung out at josh and chris' place drying laundry and watching movies i'd always wanted to see but never have (dead man and heat) until josh got home... ate some dinner a la chris, drove over to michelle's, picked up my spare key, went home.

it's funny how naked you feel when you don't have any of the normal crap with you. no keys, no purse, no watch, no money, no car, no nothing. craziness.

also this weekend went to this bull-riding shindig at the arrowhead pond and that was supercool. i also got to talk to my brother justin for like 10 minutes before he was made to hang up. so there's that...

and currently, i'm working on not working very hard at all, just kind of recovering from the hell that was last week! happy valentines day every one of us, i heart you all! except for you, hal sparks, and i think you know why!

ladies, let's talk about bath and body works.

i like the store, love it even, but for some reason all of the fruity or floraly hand lotions make my nose totally freak out. the rice/shea butter one's like the only one that doesn't bug. it's weird. and all the other stuff in the store is fine - like the aromatherapy line, and the skin care stuff, totally fine, nose approved.

but those hand lotions/body washes etc. with fancy names like pearberry, or cucumber melon, or coconut elephant turd verbena... man it's hell when they get near the nose region of my face.

so anyways, i got some country apple hand lotion from one of my sisters this xmas and yesterday i finally remembered that i needed to go exchange it.

have you ever needed to exchange/return something there? weird. i mean, they're totally nice about it, even with no receipt. but when the girl was finishing the transaction, while she was waiting for the paper to print out of the register, she wrote a big fat D (for defective or dumbass, i'm guessing) and dumped the contents of the bottle into this large bin..

just the way she did it totally made me feel like this terrible, hardended criminal, someone who bought the stuff, peed in the bottle and returned it with a bs story about having a sensitive nose, secretly hoping some hapless customer would take the tainted bottle home and use it.

it's entirely possible that i have issues.

oh dear lord, lookie what i just bought...

do you ever leave a comment at someone's blog that is just so good you have to put it on your own blog to show everyone just how fuckin' hilarious you are?

this isn't one of those posts, cuz we all know how i'm not funny... but i did want to share one of my latest commercial obsessions with y'all...

*************************

also, my favorite commercial currently is for del taco. i don't think they have em out there. but the dorky spokesguy, he's standing outside a mall taking a survey. as this dude starts walking up to the mall door, spokesguy says "excuse me, how much would you pay for a 79 cent chicken soft taco, with yadda yadda listing of fabulous ingredients here?"

the shopper, with a completely deadpan, sarcastic face says "79 cents"

dan the spokesguy is taken aback. "what?"

shopper: you just said they were 79 cents.

spokesguy (flustered): oh uh well, pretend i didn't tell you that. how much would you pay for a del taco chicken soft taco now?

shopper (even more sarcastically deadpan than before): seven dollars.

spokesguy (incredulous): really?!?

shopper (completely bored by now): no. i just came to get some shoes.

at this point he walks past spokesguy, almost shouldering him as he does so.

seriously, this description doesn't even do the thing justice, it's just as good as those burger king office guys. maybe you can see it on the del taco website?

*****************

mark later informed me that shopper actually says six dollars, and not seven. this is the kind of ineptness on my part is what drives me to drink. drano. all the time!!! you should go check out the commercial right freakin' now!!! really. it's awesome. just click on the one called "the survey".

also, thursdays are awesome... i love that tomorrow's friday, and there's just little pocket of time between getting home from work and watching my thursday night crapfest (the oc and the apprentice) in which to do things like pace around waiting for the good tv to start, check email and do dishes and crap.

and this weekend we're gonna go check out some bullriding at the arrowhead pond in anaheim yeeeeeeeehawwwww!!!!!

okay, so my neice hailey possibly corners the market on warm fuzzies, next to josh. she almost has a monopoly on it, so i'm startin the ball rolling on some kind of lawsuit so she'll have to separate into smaller companies and let others get in on the warm fuzzy game.

tonight i was babysitting, and she told me she wanted to decorate for valentines day. joe told me later it was because she'd been to daycare earlier and her pal marina had made a bunch of decorations... so anyways, we spent about a half hour just drawing and cutting out construction paper hearts of various sizes and putting em in a basket while jacob put his entire hands in a stamp pad and then rolled em around a piece of paper.

after a while, i decided to pull out the big guns and i made one of those little heart garlands. and hailey thought it was the most awesome thing since dora the explorer juice boxes. until i realized there were as many hearts on the chain as there were letters in her name, and then i wrote those letters on the hearts and got promoted to god status.

for the next 15 minutes we made a bunch of heart garlands and put people's names on em, like mom and dad and jacob. then she says let's make one for you. and we count how many letters are in the word stephanie. i made the chain thing and she's all i can write it for you. so she wrote, while i told her what letters came next.

the resulting chain equals many warm fuzzies. it's just sweet. i'm gonna hang it above my toilet.

folks, don't start pokin your eyes out hopin' for a huge tax refund next year - i did some investigating in my turbotax software, and when i told it i was blind it only said i would get 200 more bucks... maybe not quite worth it for a life of no more seeing, you know what i mean jellybean?

in other news, i started this new piece of art this weekend, and i'm at the point where the initial drawing's done, i just gotta hit it with my fancypants prismacolor pencils... i love/hate this part, cuz i really like how the line drawing looks, and i get all anxious i'm gonna fuck it up with color. so we'll see how that goes...

garrrrrrrrrrr, i just found out you can't do turbotax online if you lived in two states last year!!!! now i have to leave my house!!! why must they make everything so freaking difficult?!?!

next door to my apartment is, of course, that bar called the v room. in that same parking lot, set back from the street, is a very run-down looking, but still in business bmw repair garage. and sometimes there's bmw's in that parking lot overnight. just so no monkey business happens to these fine automobiles in this semi-questionable neighborhood, the management of the garage thought it'd be wise to warn any people in the mood for shenanigans of the following:



you remember that old superbowl commercial where the dude's painting the football field and when he's done someone comes by and says "looks nice, but who are the chefs?" and he's all "great googlie mooglies!"

i like to think the same sort of thing happened when whoever hand-lettered this sign finished it.

and then maybe he put it up just to see how many people would notice.

and maybe the people who notice will get fabulous prizes like chests full of gold dubloons?

mr. bmw-repair-sign-painting guy, i just wanna say i should get two treasure chests, seeing as i not only noticed but i took a picture to share with my friends.

i was at the grocery store tonight and some 60ish year old hit on me in the produce dept. he was watching me put various veggies and crap in my cart, and says "you like to cook?" and i'm like "yeah, sure, sometimes". then he asks, "what do you cook?" and he just gave off this really creepy vibe, so i gave a very short "you know, whatever's easy." and i moved on to the next aisle.

and as i was leaving the produce dept i passed him again, and he says very creepy-like, "maybe you can show me how you cook sometime".

i didn't know if he was seriously being creepy or maybe he was off his old-guy rocker a bit, so i just gave him a burt reynolds ha-ha and very very quickly pushed my cart to the other end of the store.

good times, good times. albeit a little creepy.

now please excuse me while i go hack up a lung!

colds are weird.

i coughed and coughed last night at josh's place.

went to bed, didn't cough at all.

woke up this morning and hacked up enough phlegm to build a fort.

i won't tell you how i know that.