“Stranger” by The Presidents of the United States of America

You, Lynard Skinnard-hat and
Me, little kitty
Sat across with a velvet jacket
Wild orange hair and dark, dark eyes
I gawked like a twelve-year-old - smitten
Carla the stripper,
straight from L.A.
You seem cool for a naked chick in a booth
Let's be pals some day
In other words,
Put some clothes on and call me

I saw you
It was incredible

Slim, relax,
Fine wine at the (QFC)
On a snowy Saturday night
Black pearls and I swear you were drinkin' beer
You were the redhead behind the counter there
I'm the one who fell off his chair there
You had your dry-cleaning and I think you're dreaming

I saw you
It was incredible
Mumbled these words at you
Unintelligible

My, my, my, my
My, my, my, my, my, my, my

My, my, my, my
My, my, yea hey-hey
Hey who had what time is it?

***************************************

Happy Birthday to Kat! I’m late in saying it because I’m a complete ass!

Oh, Baskin Robbins, how I love you so. Especially when you’re free. I swear free ice cream tastes better than the paid-for kind. All I need now is a Rite-Aid in Oshkosh so I can have some chocolate malted crunch whenever the fuck I feel like it.

It’s been brought to my attention that holy cow, I’ve still got 21 more California songs to come up with. Let me assure you I’m prepared – there’s more than enough songs about home than will fit in those 21 days. And like I said before, good thing I’m not from Rhode Island.

I heard on various news programs today (yes, I’m starting to watch the news again – I don’t feel so freakishly out of touch with reality anymore), and I’m jazzed that the Amber Alert thing got passed, and that it’s a nationwide thing. But it got me wondering about how effective it would be in rural parts of the midwest? I mean, in California there’s those big light up signs on major freeways that let people know about wrecks and traffic jams and such, and when the Amber Alert goes into effect the authorities can use those signs to pass on info as to who they’re looking for, what kind of car they’re in, and so on. There’s no such electronic sign system in the rural parts of Wisconsin. Hell, there aren’t even streetlights on some highways.

And I’m very upset with my newfound knowledge that not every state has a law that says you have to have car insurance. I’m just glad there appears to be no serious damage to my car. I was driving home for lunch today. I stopped at the stoplight at Witzel and Sawyer. This dumbass college kid rear-ended me. The car lurched forward a little and my engine stalled. (that was possibly me in my 2 second long “what the fuck is going on” confusion.) I get out of the car, walk to the back, start checking out my rear bumper. Kid asks if everything’s okay, do I think we have to call the cops, blah blah blah blah blah. I honestly became a bumbling re-re, having never been in this situation before and honestly being a little freaked out. So I told him everything seemed okay, aside from a couple of scratches, but let me get your name, number, address, insurance info, and so on. He writes down his name and contact info on it. I ask him for his insurance info and he says “I don’t have insurance – but I’m working on getting it.” I thought about putting my fist through his face, because not only did he scratch my Chuckles, but he somehow thinks getting insurance in the future will take care of an accident in the past. So he says “whatever the damages are, I can pay for it in cash.” And I thought “what the fuck?!?! You’re a damn college kid! Car repairs aren’t cheap! What, are you selling pot? Is that how you can fucking afford this?!?!”

But I kept my mouth shut. I just told him I’d be in touch, got in my car, and started driving away. And as I turned the corner I realized I didn’t get the make/model of his car or his drivers license number or even his license plate number. It’s been far too long since I was testing for 911 operator back home and became quite good at remembering details and shit. So I swore at myself for a while for forgetting to get this info, because what if it was all a big lie and he’d given me a fake phone nubmer??! I whipped out my trusty cel and called the number he’d written down. Some dumbass guy answered.

“uh, hi, does a Scott live there?” I ask.

“this is him” he says, with me realizing oh hey, it’s a cel phone. Awesome.

“hey, this is stephanie – you just hit my car, and I realized that I forgot to get your license plate number, and I just wanted to make sure this was a real phone number.”

“oh, okay. How is your car running?”

So he seems like he’s on the up and up. Talked to my insurance company, and they say to get a few estimates and then if he doesn’t pay up like he claims he will they’ll file a claim. So I’m taking the trusty automobile in on Saturday morning. And I don’t see anything wrong with it outside of those couple of scratches. And if that’s all Car-X finds, then I’m not going any further with it. Those new scratches kind of blend in well with the nicks on the bumper from when I hit shopping carts on purpose at the grocery store.

That’s my big story of the day. Didn’t realize til much later what the jolt really felt like. It felt like when you’re on the Autopia at Disneyland and one of your friends hits you with their car from behind. Not serious at all.

Seems like the “I’ve got jack shit to write about” phase has run its course already. Thank god.

And TGIAF, dude.

That’s thank god it’s almost Friday to you non-thinking-it-out-for-yourself-types. No P for me this Friday, I’m going to Oblio’s to celebrate Robert’s last day at b’gosh. So I’ll catch ya suckas later.

“California Sun” by the Ramones

Well, I'm goin' out west where I belong
Where the days are short and the nights are long
Where they walk and I'll walk
They twist and I'll twist
They shimmy and I'll shimmy
They fly and I'll fly

Well they're out there a'havin' fun
In that warm California sun.

Well, I'm goin' out west out on the coast
Where the California girls are really the most
Where they walk and I'll walk
They twist and I'll twist
They shimmy and I'll shimmy
They fly and I'll fly

Well they're out there a'havin' fun
In that warm California sun.

(24-second instrumental interlude)

Well the girls are frisky in old 'Frisco
A pretty little chick wherever you go
A-a-and they'll walk and I'll walk
They'll twist and I'll twist
They'll shimmy and I'll shimmy
They'll fly and I'll fly

Well they're out there a'havin' fun
In that warm California sun

Yeah they're out there a'havin' fun
In that warm California sun

*************************************************

So happy birthday to my little brother, El Brando, who is 20 today! Seems like only yesterday that I was chasing him through the house, trying to hit him with a toilet plunger while yelling “poop stick!”

It wasn’t yesterday. It was more like last summer sometime.

Feeling better about things today. Stayed late at work trying to put a dent in the assload of work that’s expected to be well under way by the end of the day tomorrow, and it went well. There’s still a veritable fuckton of work to do, but moop moop moop I’m not losing sleep over it.

It’s now night 2 of not really having much to talk about.

Jen and I are headin’ to Crappleton tomorrow night for free ice-cream goodness. You should let me know if you’re interested in going, too. Who doesn’t love free food? I say probably rich people. Because with free food they're stuck keeping the money they love to spend so much.

That’s it, I’m officially suffering from writer’s block. There is absolutely nothing to write about. Except for the private stuff I’m not publishing for public perusal. Sucks to be you, public, ‘cuz believe me it’s a wonderful bit of fluff that I’m keeping in my head. Wheeeeeee!

No, that wonderful bit of fluff is not my brain. I sold that years ago for some low-grade crack cocaine, I told you. Now go away before I throw up on your shoes.

“Tragic Kingdom” by No Doubt

Once was a magical place
Over time it was lost
Price increased the cost
Now the fortune of the kingdom
Is locked up in its dungeon vaults
The castle floor ties in traps
With coiled wires set back
Decoyed by old cheese
Now the drawbridge has been lifted
As the millions
They drop to their knees

They pay homage to a king
Whose dreams are buried
In their minds
His tears are frozen stiff
Icicles drip from his eyes

The cold wind blows as it snows
On those who fight to get in
On heads that are small
Disillusioned
As they enter
They're unaware what's
Behind castle walls
But now it's written in stone
The king has been overthrown
By jesterly fools
And the power
Of the people
Shall come to believe they do rule

They pay homage to a king
Whose dreams are buried
In their minds
His tears are frozen stiff
Icicles drip from his eyes

Welcome to the tragic kingdom
Cornfields of popcorn
Have yet to spring open

Have they lost their heads
Or are they just all blind mice
We've heard all their stories
One too many times
Hypnotized by fireflies
That glow in the dark
Midgets that disguise themselves
As tiny little dwarfs
The parade that's electrical
It serves no real purpose
Just takes up a lot of juice
Just to impress us

chorus

Welcome to the tragic kingdom
Cornfields of popcorn
Have yet to spring open

********************************************

Two things to discuss this evening:

1) Jen! We heard the word shit on the Oscars this year, not once but twice. And that’s regular broadcast television! And that’s awesome!

2) uh….. what post-soundtrack project?

3) While I’m pretty sure no one in the art dept’s getting walking papers tomorrow, I can’t help but continue with the worrying just the tiniest bit. At the same time, after the shitstorm that was the workday today, I have to think in the back of my head “hmmm… it may not be so bad. Now I can go home.”

I don’t really mean that. I do totally dig my job. But everyone has their bad days and wheeeee! Boy howdy are the shitty days fun!

I hate when I get frustrated to the point of tears because it’s fucking stupid and there’s nothing I can do about it except explain to bossman that this is what happens when I get really, really frustrated and just keep talking about what we were talking about through the hot tears.

4) I just signed up for bgosh’s 401k program a couple of weeks ago and then tonight I heard something on the news about how 401k may be a thing of the past thanks to some tax reform or other. Plop on that.

5) At the moment I’m frustrated with just about everything from my job, to not seeing my best friend in four months, to not being able to do shit about so-and-so because timing just fucking sucks. And tulle is surprisingly hard to work with. And my head hurts. Possibly from being pissed off at everything.

6) I’ll get back on the list project soon. Just been busy with other things. Basically the list is done, I’m just looking for pics for all of the listees.

7) If you can find the lyrics to “El Caminos in the West” by Grandaddy I’ll give you not one, not two, but three quarters. I couldn’t find the damn lyrics anywhere. Maybe that’s why my head hurts. Hmmm…

8) Here’s to a better day tomorrow. And if it’s not better, here’s to beer and the Laker game that will be in progress after 24.

yeah, see, I thought I'd already established that whatever I say can't be trusted. I don't have time to pay that much attention to television; I had just glossed over the blurb I saw on tvguide.com, and assumed that the 2-1 meant the Lakers were in the lead because they're that kind of awesome. Doesn't matter anyways, they brought it up to 2-2 today and I got to make an ass of myself at Oblio's, cheering and crap when they scored. Because I do so love my Lakers. Watching them at the Staples Center is a happy little slice of home.

The End.

p.s. - The Lakers are in the lead with their series, and free scoop night at Baskin Robbins is Wednesday. Life is good.

"Going to California" by Led Zepplin

Spent my days with a woman unkind,
Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
Made up my mind to make a new start,
Going To California with an aching in my heart.

Someone told me there's a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Took my chances on a big jet plane,
Never let them tell you that they're all the same.

The sea was red and the sky was grey,
Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.
The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake
As the children of the sun began to awake.

Seems that the wrath of the Gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
I'll meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.

To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.
La la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin' to find a woman who's never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

**************************************************************

Huh. The oscar for trippiest lyrics about California should go to those guys.

Today would've been a great day to sleep in, but as you'll notice I'm not doing that. I woke up at 8 after going to bed at like 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep.

Identity's a pretty cool freaky movie; I haven't screamed in a movie theater during a scary movie in like 10 years. (Dude, Where's My Car? was pretty scary, given, and I did scream out in terror, but I don't think it counts.)

It's funny how quickly your perception of someone can shift from one week to the next. And even funnier how there are certain people that you don't know all that well, and until you talk to them a lot more you totally idealize them. Don't worry about cryptic - none of you know what I'm really talking about here. Me writing something private to myself gets me off the hook from writing in the real journal this morning. I'm a huge slacker about that on the weekends.

That's it; I'm out. Please be nice to me and don't laugh at my uglee candy tonight. It's been four years since I've made any.

“L.A.P.D.” by The Offspring

When cops are taking care of business
I can understand
But the LA story's gone way out of hand
Their acts of aggression, they say they're justified
But it seems an obsession has started from the inside
They're shooting anyone who even tries to run
They're shooting little kids with toy guns
Take it to a jury but they don't give a damn
Because the one who tells the truth is always the policeman

Beat all the nachos
Beat whoever you see
Don't need a reason
(We're) L.A.P.D.

The city of LA feels like a prison
With helicopters overhead and bullets whizzing by
Martial law ain't no solution
Police brutality's just social pollution

Beat all the white trash
Beat whoever you see
Don't need a reason (We're) L.A.P.D.

They say they're keeping the peace
But I'm not buying it because a billy club ain't much of a pacifier
"Protecting your freedom"
Now that's just a lie
It's an excuse for power that's more like an alibi
Law and order doesn't really matter
When you're the one getting bruised and battered
You take it to a jury, they'll throw it in your face
Because justice in LA comes in a can of mace

***************************************************************
Go back and read the first chorus again – isn’t beating nachos a lot better than the n word that was originally there?

Congrats to Adam and Emily on getting engaged! Emily’s new bling is beautiful, even if it isn’t a ring pop!

Do any of you read my little sis Danielle’s blog? Cuz seriously, if you’re not you’re totally missing out. Maybe I like it so much because it mostly feels like big long hilarious letters to me. But I’m sure you’d enjoy it, too.

And because you always have something just for me in your blog Danielle, let me just tell you that I’m not a selfish jerk with the tv – I’m starting this weekend, so expect a tape of wonderful cable-y goodies in a few weeks. Maybe I’ll just bring it with me when I come back in May.

I was thinking about this the other day after Leslie and I discussed the need to formulate plans to see some kickass movies coming out in the next few weeks (wowee wow wow that was a long chunk of crap); it totally freaks me out that I know someone who worked on both movies we all have to see. Cheers to Kat Evans for her work on seX-Men 2, and to Matt Ward for his work on The Matrix Reloaded. I’m totally jazzed for both of you. Rest assured that if any of you out there are in the same theater as me when I’m watching either movie I will have to stay until their names show up in the credits; then be prepared for hearing me make an ass of myself as I hoot and holler when that happens.

Went to Beth Lippert’s show at The Collector’s Gallery on Main Street last night and dude, it was really fun stuff. The show’s up for a week, if you have a free couple of minutes go check it out. And buy me all of her stuff because I don’t have any money to spend on sweet-ass art and I know you do. My birthday’s in July – time to start preparing. When I turn 26 am I still in my mid-twenties? Or does that qualify as late-twenties? Just curious.

I’ve been freakishly productive today. Went to cheezyass aerobics this morning – they rotate teachers on Saturdays, so it’s never the same guy and today it was quite possibly the most gay teacher ever. I mean ever. If Will Ferrell ever went back to SNL and did a bit about being an aerobics instructor (maybe he already has?), I bet he’d look a lot like this guy. Not that Will’s gay, just that the teacher was very hyper and Will-ish. Came home, took a shower, paid bills, got an oil change, ate some lunch, got my car washed (which I admit was totally lame since it’s gonna rain tomorrow but it was so gross I couldn’t take it anymore) went grocery shopping, rammed carts with Jen when I saw her in the produce department, chatted about all kinds of worky jerky shit, came home, used some goo-gone to get the tar-crap off my car, put away all of the laundree that was drying all over my apartment for the past couple of days because the dryer in my building broke while I was doing the wash the other day (not my fault, I swear), and now I’m taking a slack break before I go nuts on the prom dress. Which is going quite swimmingly so far.

Update on the Cingular triplets front: their neighbor’s fun to talk to and is very informative, but I’m not so sure the prom date thing’s gonna happen. There's an outside chance that we may get together to meet when I go back to Ca in May before any decisions get made. It's been a valiant effort on my part so far, don’t you think?

When I was getting my oil changed today I was looking at the guys working on my car and thinking about how my old roomie Chris gives me shit whenever I have anything done on my car because I met a guy at the mechanic’s once last August. Bwahahahaha did that ever turn out badly. These guys today also made me sigh very loudly because oh how I miss those California boys.

Oh my god, I’m watching an SNL rerun and Sting’s playing “Mad About You”, which was a song we did in drumline my freshman year of high school. This song brings back sooooo many memories. I hereby take back every bad thing I ever said about the man. Sting’s pretty cool.

I guess I’ve rattled on enough for the day. Get back to whatever you were doing! Now! Stop reading this shit!!! Or your eyes will turn black and fall out of your head, just dangling there by their optic nerves! You will look silly!!! And people will point and laugh!

“Have a Nice Day” by Stereophonics

San Francisco Bay
Past pier thirty nine
Early p.m.
Can't remember what time
Got the waiting cab
Stopped at the red light
Address, unsure of
But it turned out just right

It started straight off
"Coming here is hell"
That's his first words
We asked what he meant
He said "where ya' from?"
We told him our lot
"When ya' take a holiday
Is this what you want?"

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Lie around all day
Have a drink to chase
"Yourself and tourists, yeah
That's what I hate"
He said "We're going wrong
We've all become the same
We dress the same ways
Only our accents change

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Swim in the ocean
That be my dish
I drive around all day
And kill processed fish
It's all money gum
No artists anymore
You're only in it now
To make more, more, more

So have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day
Have a nice day

***************************************

I didn’t realize what this song was about until I looked up the lyrics online. I only knew it mentioned San Francisco in the beginning and it gets stuck in my head every damn time I hear it. Which is fine by me.

Our top story: (brace yourselves, people!) I’M WATCHING CABLE! In my house! On my televison! In my underwear! (okay, maybe not in my underwear.)

I had a thought while the cable guy was hookin’ everything up (dude, why don’t they just send you the cable and a bill? I swear I could’ve done it myself). I was handing him the check before he left. He paused to read some of the autographs on my wall. And very shortly after that point he actually started taking in the crazy shit in my apartment, the giant fork, the fire hydrant, the viking helmet on the tv, and so on and so on. I wonder what went through his head at that moment.

Conan O’Brien’s on and as you know he’s on my list and I love him. To the point where if b’gosh ever sends me to NYC for a couple of days James and I will formulate a plan to kidnap him from the set of his show. Or we’ll just go see his show. Kat, you should come with us. I have no idea when or if I’m going. The “hey kiddies we may be letting some of you go so don’t get too comfortable” email they sent out yesterday didn’t do a whole lot for my already nonexistent feeling of job security.

And I love that everyone assumes that I'm the one that took a pair of scissors and rammed them into the chocolate bunny torso that's been sitting on the light table for a week.

So that’s all you get for tonight, because I’m sorry but the television’s just begging to be watched. If I didn’t have work tomorrow I’d stay up all night.

I know it’s sad, but those of you without cable understand. Especially those of you without cable in Wisconsin. I feel your pain. And it feels lumpy. Oh wait, that wasn’t pain, that was… well never mind what that was. Please don’t press charges, I swear it was innocent.

Oh yeah, and before I go, this is the best picture out of the last batch I just got developed. Hilarious!

“Going back to Cali”
by LL Cool J

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. hmm, I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. I don't think so

Going back to Cali, stylin, profilin
Growlin, and smilin, while in the sun
The top is down, on the black Corvette
And it's fly, cause it's sittin on Dayton's
Laurents steering wheel, plushed out, gold-leaf phantom top
and three girls waiting
VRRRROOM engine's blowin, the chrome, is shining
Passing all the cars on the way
Movement of the wind, back wheels spin
Pop in a cassette and push play

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali - yea y'all, I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali..

I'm going back to Cali, shakin 'em, bakin 'em
Takin 'em to spots they never before hung
?? the place, on Sunset it's a trip
Where the A.C.'s cold, and the girls still strip
The record skip, but this girl kept dancin
Prancin, grindin, grinnin, romancin
I asked her to the barn, so we could hit the hay
I wanna do this, Brutus, but I don't wanna pay

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali - no man I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali..

I'm going back to Cali, rising, surprising
Advising realizing, she's sizing me up
Her bikini - small; heels - tall
She said, she liked, the ocean
She showed me a beach, gave me a peach
and pulled out the suntan lotion
Now I thought that was fast, but this girl was faster
She's lookin for a real good time
I said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise,"
and I ran away with the bottle of wine

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. I don't think so
I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali.. I don't think so

[saxophone solo]

***********************************************
I sure am glad that the site I pulled those lyrics from had the good sense to let everyone know there's a sax solo at the end!

I hate days like today, where you can’t find a damn thing to wear to work because everything in your closet all of a sudden just totally sucks and that day it's all of a sudden really important to not look lame when you leave the house and you try on 50 bazillion shirts and they all look dumb and you finally settle on something because holy crap now you’re running late and there’s a ton to do at work.

But I love coming home after days like today because cleaning up the aftermath always makes me laugh my ass off. I walk into my room, which is normally pretty clean, having almost forgotten the hell that was getting dressed that morning, and there’s just all kinds of crap thrown everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

In other news, I’m afraid that the bathroom at work’s out to get me. This morning, at around 9:30 or so, I slammed my middle finger really super hard in the bathroom stall door. I’m surprised I didn’t scream or something – I was in shock or something I guess. Got a bandaid and a chuckle from the keeper of the first aid kit, and my finger finally stopped bleeding around lunchtime. Long story short, the bathroom stall’s gotten a taste of my blood and won’t rest until I’m dead. I bet that’s how it works.

Plop plop plop. I’m out.

“Hotel California” by The Eagles

On a dark desert highway
Cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim
I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway
I heard the mission bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be Heaven or this could be Hell
Then she lit up a candle
And she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor
I thought I heard them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year
You can find it here

Her mind is Tiffany twisted
She's got the Mercedes bends
She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
That she calls friends
How they dance in the courtyard
Sweet summer sweat
Some dance to remember
Some dance to forget
So I called up the Captain
Please bring me my wine
He said
We haven't had that spirit here since 1969
And still those voices are calling from far away
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely face
They're livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise
Bring your alibies

Mirrors on the ceiling
Pink champagne on ice
And she said
We are all just prisoners here
Of our own device
And in the master's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives
But they just can't kill the beast
Last thing I remember
I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
Relax said the nightman
We are programed to recieve
You can check out any time you like
But you can never leave

***********************************************************

Hot damn that’s a long song. And I’m going back to Cali in just 30 days! (yes, “going back to Cali” is going to be one of my many songs listed in celebration of home home home home home.)

Got a very helpful email today about the whole tamale/cornhusk issue. It said:

'I asked my father, the all-knowing master of agriculture, and he said that "eating a corn husk is like eating tree bark or a corn cob.... it's all cellulose." So, while you may be physically able to choke down a corn husk or two, there's no nutritional value, nor is it something that the Ag King would recommend.'

Ron, Leslie says you eat tamales all the time so I throw this out at you – do you eat your corn husks?

Speaking of Leslie, she cut off all my hair tonight! It’s okay, I paid her to. Afterwards I went to Target because we all know (unless you don’t actually know, then this is news to you) that I’m not really a natural redhead. And I was in a really good mood because wheeeeeeeee I have no hair left and now I’m buying bright red hair dye! Things just got better when I wandered through the store and found one of those uber-cheezy Swell tank tops with the ruffles at the armholes that I fell in love with on clearance for 3 bucks. So everything was coming up Milhouse, I paid for my stuff, and left the store.

And then something truly hilarious happened. You know that drive-y lane in front of Target? This car had to stop because I was crossing to get to my car - I swear the guy had to wait a full 20 seconds until I got to the other side. And because this was entirely too long to wait, as he drove off in a huff he yelled “dyke!” out the window at me. Because everyone knows that girls with short short shortie short hair don’t like the menfolk and will also be the downfall of the nation.

It just made me giggle because I’ve heard this comment so many times since I chopped off all the hair in college and they say it like it’s gonna totally make me break down and cry or something. Boo-fuckin’-hoo. People are so freakin’ lame sometimes.

I’m going to eat some ice cream now, because it’s there.

Two more days ‘til cable.

I’m not going to be able to sleep until then.

"City Of Angels"
by The Distillers

It’s going down tonight in this town
Cause they stare and growl
They all stare and growl
I take a scar every time I cry
Cause it ain’t my style no it ain’t my style
Going down to the gravel, head to the barrel
Take this life and end this struggle
Los Angeles come scam me please
Emptiness never sleeps at Cliftons 6 am
With your bag lady friend and your mind descending
Stripped of the right to be a human in control
It’s warmer in hell so down we go

They say
This is the city
The city of angels
All I see is dead wings

It’s a ghost town rabid underworld
Dionysian night vitriolic twilight
A mirage comes up it never ends
Once you get burnt you’re never the same
Left behind erased from time
Ain’t no decency in being boxed up alive
Look around ain’t no R.I.P. signs here
We don’t rest in peace
We just disappear

So here we are Los Angeles
No angels singing in your valley of unease
I watch the sun roll down the pacific
Over hookered sunset strip

There’s a black moon tonight
Ain’t shining down on the western neon lights

They say
This is the city
The city of angels
All I see is nothing

***************************************

So it ain’t a bright shiny California song, but it’s still really good. I suggest you go download it right now or suffer the consequences. The consequences involve running away from a pack of rabid, legless seagulls. It's harder than it sounds.

Sometimes I worry that I’m not productive enough at work. I think about all of the internet browsing I do in-between tasks and wonder how much more I could get done if I stopped doing that. But I can’t work like that. I have to have my little tiny breaks or else my head will explode in a mess of blood and brain matter. And no one wants that. Heard a little more about work after bossman’s pending last day, seems they’re not replacing him, I’m just working under bosslady in the girl’s department. I worry that there’s too much there between girls and infants for her to keep track of it all. I’m kind of glad I’m not in her shoes.

I’m glad I’m in my own shoes. Because they’re really comfy.

Not that I’m wearing shoes at the moment. I’m wearing socks.

Not that you’d care what I have on my feet. I just like to keep y’all updated on the particulars.

Question for all of you out there that have eaten tamales: (not the Hot ones from the candy isle at your local grocery store!) can you eat the corn husk? I’ve had tamales quite a few times over the past 4-5 years or so, and I never knew for sure if I could eat the husk before. I just assumed you couldn’t, and I’ve been scraping all the innards out. Didn’t really stop to think about it until today during lunch with steph and ryan that hmm… maybe I’m wrong and you can eat the husks. So e-mail me and let me know. Because I just may lose sleep over it. And if you write and tell me I can eat them and I try it and end up in the hospital because they’re poisonous or some crazy shit like that I’m gonna come after you and beat you over the head with my giant, tiki-god carved, wooden fork. I do have one. So beware.

Actually went to the gym after work instead of just talking about it, then came home and made dinner. There’s definitely hope for my cooking; I was really surprised at how well it went tonight. No fires or anything. I finished sewing a skirt that I started last weekend. Got the fabric off of the free table at b’gosh, and there’s the word “sample” scrawled a few times across the wrong side of the fabric. So I have that on the outside of the skirt every now and then. It’s pretty neat. But I screwed up the hook and eye thing above the zipper, so before I actually wear it out of the house that’ll have to be re-done.

Then, cue the fanfare, I worked on the website some more! Woo! The frustrating thing is that there’s still nothing new on the actual site; I’ve just been working on behind the scenes type of stuff, like compiling all of the gallery images. I’ve got almost 60 different images and 60 thumbnails of those images almost set to go. Just need to optimize the shit outta them and then throw them into the Flash file. There’s so much to do on the damn website it boggles the mind. It’s all just a matter of time.

Got an email from Wendy tonight, and if you’re in the market for a large lot of stuff on Ebay then they are your people! They’re selling everything they own on Ebay in one big auction, and are actually getting some press from it. I haven’t listened to it yet, because the soundcard on my ‘puter is busted, but if you go here you can listen to one of their radio interviews. I just hope they remember all of us little people when they’re big Ebay selling stars.

And now, on that note, I’m gonna go to bed. I hope I don’t have nearly as many problems getting up tomorrow as I had today. Maybe if I start doing Speed in the morning I won’t have that problem.

By doing Speed I mean watching the movie every day before work. There’s nothing like a good cheezy dose of Keanu to get you going for the day.

"California"
By Phantom Planet

We've been on the run
Driving in the sun
Looking out for #1
California here we come
Right back where we started from

Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from

California!
Here we come!

On the stereo
Listen as we go
Nothing's gonna stop me now
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Pedal to the floor
Thinkin' of the roar
Gotta get us to the show
California here we come
Right back where we started from

California!
Here we come!

****************************************

So Happy Easter, mofos!

Why can’t Easter be more like Valentine’s Day? Here’s what needs to change:

1) All of the stores need to be open. (and run by robots so people can still have the day off)

2) There needs to be a TON of valentine candy that I love that no one bought so now on the day of the holiday it’s on super-duper sale. (easter candy doesn't stick around as much as valentine's candy does.)

And large, cartoony dinosaurs need to be the mascot instead of chicks and bunnies. These changes would make the holiday easier for those of us without family within driving distance.

I have the tv on in the background and what the hell is up with Disney making movies about its Disneyland rides?!?! There’s one coming out about The Haunted Mansion. These movies are completely unncessary, people! Except for the pirates flick; that one’s fine. I’m wearing my eye patch to the movie theater when we go see it.

Went to see Bringing Down the House today, and holy crap is it funny. Go. Watch. Now.

Don’t have much else to blab about for once. I’m bored. I wish I had cable today instead of Thursday.

That’s right. I’m getting cable. After Thursday I will spend every waking moment in front of my little television, never to be heard from again. I can’t wait to actually see The Daily Show on a daily basis again.

p.s. - frankenstein composed the music for my state's song. rock!

"I Love You California"
Written by F. B. Silverwood
Composed by A. F. Frankenstein


I love you, California, you're the greatest state of all
I love you in the winter, summer, spring, and in the fall.
I love your fertile valleys; your dear mountains I adore,
I love your grand old ocean and I love her rugged shore.

chorus

I love your redwood forests - love your fields of yellow grain,
I love your summer breezes, and I love your winter rain,
I love you, land of flowers; land of honey, fruit and wine,
I love you, California; you have won this heart of mine.

chorus

I love your old gray Missions - love your vineyards streteching far,
I love you, California, with your Golden Gate ajar,
I love your purple sunsets, love your skies of azure blue,
I love you, California; I just can't help loving you.

chorus

I love you, Catalina - you are very dear to me,
I love you, Tamalpais, and I love Yosemite,
I love you, Land of Sunshine, half your beauties are untold,
I loved you in my childhood, and I'll love you when I'm old.

chorus

When the snow crowned Golden Sierras
Keep their watch o'er the valleys bloom.
It is there I would be in our land by the sea,
Ev'ry breeze bearing rich perfume,
It is here nature gives of her rarest,
It is Home Sweet Home to me.
And I know when I die I shall breathe my last sigh
For my sunny California.

According to www.50states.com, this is California’s state song. I had no idea. I’m gonna try and scrounge up song lyrics about or containing the state of California every day for the next 33 days to celebrate heading back to my homeland on May 21. I’m really glad I’m not from someplace like Delaware or Rhode Island; I’d be hard-pressed to come up with even one song about those states. If you can think of one besides their state song I'll give you a quarter.

Yesterday was all kinds of day-off goodness. I’m a little iffy about posting too much here for fear of upsetting my new friend, but I have to post something because it’s just freaking cool. So here’s the short-short-shortie-short version:

I got an email from the superhot cingular wireless triplets’ neighbor on Thursday. And according to her they’re from the inlandy-area of California, they’re nice guys, and two of them are single. So I asked them to prom in a very cheezy email. I know nothing will probably come of it, but dammit it never hurts to ask.

I’ve not really made a habit of asking guys out, let alone guys I’ve only seen on tv a few times. But the few times I have been the one to do the asking I almost threw up afterwards because I was so nervous. I’m not exaggerating here. I’m sure I’m not the only one with that problem, and you know what? That’s just not the case with email invitations. No nausea at all. If it weren’t so damn impersonal I’d highly recommend it to everyone. (Please note that this is not me endorsing asking people to go out with you over email. Go back and read the part about it being too impersonal. I recommend tying a note to a brick and tossing it through the lucky gal’s window. It really shows you care.)

Anyways, Jen and I went down to Milwaukee for crazy shopping fun for a few hours. I’m so excited; I found some work-legal sneakers for work and they were on sale! According to our boss, shoes aren’t really sneakers if there’s no laces. So I got some of those mary-jane type sneakers with velcro straps. I love life’s little loopholes; they make for much comfort in the workplace. For dinner we went to The Safehouse, which was something one of my old college roommates told me about. And holy crap that place is cool. That’s all you’re getting out of me, if you haven’t been there I don’t want to ruin it.

Came home and hooray my petticoat got here! Yes, you read that right - I, Stephanie Lehman, bought a petticoat. I got it for 2 bucks plus shipping on Ebay. It’s to make my prom dress super-cool. Doing simple everyday things around the house like opening mail and checking email felt so much more girly in a big fat poufy skirt-thing. It kind of reminds me of a can-can skirt, especially when I dance around my kitchen doing the can-can. I contemplated the idea of using it by itself as the bottom of my prom dress, but I really don’t think it would work because it’s not opaque enough. And if I make a skirt to go over it, it’ll just be that much poufier. Microsoft Word is trying to tell me poufier is not a word. Microsoft Word can bite my ass.

And if you’re reading this and think Jamie Kennedy should stay on my list, email me. I’d like to think I’m not the only one who thinks he’s swell.

In summation, if I go for a couple of days without writing in the bloggy blog, this is what happens. Big, way-too-long blogs. I’m off to the Joann Fabrics in search of cheap dress material. May the Schwartz be with you!

phil, i don't know how it's spelled so forgive me, there's a martial art that sounds like kehpoo-werah that came from brazil.

the end.

Okay, if you see me tomorrow ask me about the fantastic e-mail I got today.

Everyone should buy Claire a beer unless she doesn't drink! If that's the case then buy her a pony, 'cause who doesn't like ponies?

I’m waiting for my sister to call, so that’s all you get for the night. Later!

Hooray! Here’s the final 7 for the list! Soon I’ll be posting the entire list in order, all organized-like. But first I gotta find a hundred pictures to go with it. That might take some doing. The whole thing would’ve been easier if I’d done the links all the way through. But I’m not that smart about planning ahead sometimes… Oh yeah, I was talking about the last bunch of guys. Here ya go:

The carpenter guy on Trading Spaces

The kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun

Pierce Brosnan

Ethan Hawk

Pete Yorn

Liam Lynch

Jason Biggs

It’s entirely possible there’s been duplicates; I plan to catch them when I compile the final shit. So get off my back. Unless of course, you’re on the list.

Oh my, I’m blushing.

Draaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

That was the last hour of my workday in a nutshell. Hopefully things as far as what’s going on with this season will clear up fast, because prints are due to send out on Thursday.

What to talk about, what to talk about. The past couple of days I’ve been a little strapped for ideas. Maybe it’s related to not writing in the real journal so regularly? That usually screws things up a little.

Two things of great interest to me that I’d like to share:

1) I got my tax refund yesterday. And I spent it yesterday. As of this second I don’t owe crap to any doctors. I say this calls for a celebration.

2) This is for the benefit of those of you not living in Wisconsin. Today it was 83 degrees outside. By Thursday it will be snowing again. Only 2 words properly describe this weather phenomenon: completely fucked up.

3) I know that was three words, and this is also interesting tidbit number 3. I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that I never adhere to the “I’ve got two things” thing.

4) If I was making the “scenes from next week’s 24” trailer and I knew something as big as the president’s #1 aide got killed, I wouldn’t show it in that trailer. I’d let it be a surprise next week. Not that I didn’t appreciate the “OH MY GOD!” screaming that escaped from my pie-hole. Just that it would’ve been better to hold off showing that ‘til next week.

5) Got oodles of burned cds from my sis Danielle in the care package my mom sent for easter – she sent the new Foo Fighters, Audioslave, an old Bad Religion, an old Social D, and one of Danielle’s blessed blessed mix cds. Hooray!

6) I’m really over this always being tired crap.

7) I have a few more people for the list:

Johnny Depp (how did he get overlooked for so long?)

Wesley Snipes

Dan Akroyd

I’ve also got a few that were hot back in the day – if I had a time machine and a way of hooking up with them once I got there… sure it’s a little half-assed but give me some credit here – I’ve come up with 86 others. So here they are:

Jeff Goldblum (around the time that The Fly came out)
Paul Newman (way before the salad dressing bit, more like Cat on a Hot Tin Roof era)
Gene Kelly (around Singing in the Rain time)
Donald O’Connor (see above)

That brings the total to 93; I’m officially mentally drained. It's kind of like running a marathon, and you only have a little further to go until you cross the finish line, but you really just want to plop on the couch and watch Saturday morning cartoons instead of continuing the running. By plop I meant sit, not take a crap. Cuz that'd be freaking gross. Not like I'd know anything about marathons. So anyways, if you can think of someone I’ve missed for the love of god please email me. I’m at the end of my rope here, and I just want to be done with this project.
Thanks.

so whenever you read this and it's all lowercase that's when i'm coming to you live from work.

i just re-read what i wrote last night and i'd like to make a small clarification. i'm not a fan of absolutes (except for, perhaps, the vodka) and i think i made it sound like no boys are dumb.

just to clear things up - some boys are indeed dumb.

we now return you to your regularly scheduled workday, already in progress.

So I’m lame, have I told you that lately? Ann had sent me some really damn hilarious ideas for getting people to buy the new bgosh shirt (which my sister saw on a kid while working at Disneyland last week, hooray!), and do you know what I did with that email?

I deleted it.

Crap.

So instead you get to hear about my frustration with adult acne.

No, not really. It’s actually a very boring topic. I’m sort of at a loss for things to write tonight. Had to stay late printing shit out again, and you all know how much I enjoy that. I don’t know why this equation works for me but it does:
Staying late at work = good enough reason to skip the gym and hang out at home. At this rate I’ll never be 30 pounds. (dude, that would be so gross.)

I will say this: thank god "Married By America" is over. What a damn waste of time. Not that I watched it. I was busy folding all the laundree I was too lazy to take care of last night. And eating dinner. And not watching that show at all.

I’m so glad neither couple actually got married. It would have been dumb.

Speaking of dumb, I have to say after giving much thought to steph’s “all boys are dumb” theory I have to say that I can’t get on that party train.

Some boys are broken beyond belief, sure.
And, of course, some are complete a-holes.

Better yet, some are both.

I've had experience with all 3 of the above. But I can also honestly say I’ve had experience with some completely wonderful guys, too. Given, it’s been quite a while since I’ve actually dated one of those gems. And some of them are friends that for one reason or another have never been and will never be more. But, like pirates and that fuschia horse I saw at the Orange County Fair when I was a kid (and possibly drunk), they do exist.

So, in closing, all boys are not dumb. Smelly and cootie-filled, yes. Dumb, no.

Now if only one of those not-dumb boys would magically appear on my doorstep… and please god, make it one from my list. thanks.

oh dear lord i'm so glad we're recounting this party together, steph - i'd almost forgotten some of the stuff you'd mentioned!!!

those caramels looked more like uncooked lumps of chicken to me. but oh so tasty.

and the hand signals for chappy's nicknames. wow. (by now i've totally forgotten his real name. whoops.)

i had a dream last night where i was in my 30s, and i realized i was going to die someday. to make things easier on everyone i decided to have myself cremated right then and there so they wouldn't have to worry about it years from now when i died. in my dream this made complete sense. so i went to the local crematorium emporium, and asked the lady to cremate me. she says okay, but she's gotta chop me up first. so she takes a huge butcher knife and cuts both my legs into pieces. one cut above the knee(about mid-thigh), and one below. it didn't hurt at all. and strangely enough, it didn't bleed, either. all of a sudden she had to go take a phone call or something and left the room, and i decided i really didn't want to be cremated just then, that i could wait a few years or maybe even until i die. so when she came back in the room i asked her to sew my legs back together. she tells me she can't do it, i have to go to a hospital.

then i woke up.

my brain is weird.

Somehow my little kitchen fire now seems extremely insignificant. May we present Exhibit A.

12 more hits to this page today from people looking for the superhot Cingular Wireless triplets. It’s really too bad Shannon doesn’t read my blog; it’d sure help my “dude, they’re totally cute” case.

This weekend has been insane to say the least. Too much happened to write about all of it, so here’s the short-short-edited for content and time version because quite frankly I am beat.

Friday night was blessed, blessed roller-skating at The Skater’s Edge in Appleton. Then the P. Then the sleep.

Saturday was spent in Madison with Steph and Shannon. I’m seriously contemplating eating nothing but stuffed french toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the rest of my life. (I can have spaghetti for a couple of meals on the days when I do get bored with the french toast, but I'm almost positive that won't happen.) Had a chance to look through two-eyed Steph’s high school yearbooks and the handmade ones she did in junior high are awesome – to quote movie critics everywhere, they’re a must-see! There was a major disappointment at Marshall’s when I found 2 different pairs of Skechers 4-wheelers for 13 bucks. Both were a half size too small. So no super-good deal on skates for me. Suck. But I did do actual shopping with the girls(I swear to god someday I will be able to shop without agonizing over whether or not I should actually be buying anything), and laughed a ton while bonding with Shannon over horrendous breakup stories. After a few hours of kind of stalling for a while, we went to Cakes and Vett’s breaking up party, which was a ton of crazy fun.

And this one guy overheard that I was from Southern Ca and asked if I was from LA I told him “sorta, I’m from around there”, and he asks if I went out a lot there, because he wanted to know about this one bar that he’d seen in Swingers. And I’m thinking to myself “um, whutever, I haven’t seen the movie yet (I know, I’m horrible) and there’s zillions of bars/nightclubs in LA.”

So he says “have you been to The Dresden”? and I just about died because out of the zillions of bars/nightclubs in LA, I’ve been to maybe 5 or 6. And The Dresden was one of them. If you ever get out that way, go check it out. It’s got this really cool old-school Hollywood feel. And order their specialty drink, the Blood and Sand; it is hands down the tastiest damn cocktail ever. You can find the recipe in bartending books, but according to a friend none of those recipes taste anything like The Dresden’s version. I think the secret ingredient is crack.

The rest of the party was sweet-ass-sweet. Except for the couch full of evil-bitch-girls. But that wasn’t so much bad as it was funny. Got home very late and crashed very hard.

This morning (okay, it was closer to noon) I went to the bgosh outlet, then went back again 20 minutes later to show Jen that her roller-skating tank was on the wall. And while we were there holy crap, I found this. It’s the first thing I worked on that’s now in the store. Not that impressive, really – they gave me purchased art to trace in Illustrator. But it’s there! Woo!

Then Jen and I went on an insanely long bike ride, from her place to Taco Hell on Jackson, through UWO campus, over to Menomonee Park. Took a short break to be crazy on the equipment, ran into a coworker who asked weren’t we too old to be doing that. Then biked back to Jen’s.

Came home and successfully evicted the fish/burnt dishtowel smell from my kitchen. Did some laundree. Did some grocery shopping. Did some slacking in front of the tv. And now doing some writing. And very soon, going to be doing some much-needed sleeping.

And numbers 85 and 86 on the list are Norm Macdonald and the guy who played Berg on 2 Guys A Girl and A Pizza Place.

Hope all your weekends were swell, too. Now go to sleep.

Over the past 2 days five people have hit my site while looking for information on those superhot triplets from the Cingular wireless ad.

To those people: when you find out something worthwhile (like a home address or phone number) for the love of god send it to me.

Thank you.

In just a couple of hours Steph and I will be dining on stuffed french toast.

That was the first thing that popped into my head when I opened my eyes this morning.

The second thing was that I was still strangely upset with the girl who pushed me at the roller rink last night. I mean, I know i'm not SuperSkater (yet), and I totally was in her way. I just don't take kindly to the pushing. Ever. Even when I deserve it.

But i'm over it now. I'm gonna go sit on the couch and watch crappy saturday morning cartoons til it's time to go to IHOP... I mean Madison.

So nearly burning the house down is hard work.

And airing the place out afterward is even harder.

About a half hour ago, I was cooking dinner. I had some noodles cooking on the stove, and some fish broiling in the oven. The noodles finished cooking; I moved the pot to a back burner and covered it so the noods (heh heh, nudes) would stay warm while the fish finished. Bing! went the timer, signifying that now's the time on Sprockets when we flip the fish over and cook the other side. I brought the pan out, using towels as potholders, and put it down on the stove to commence with the flipping operation. Almost immediately I saw orange flames on the left side of the pan. And I freaked out for a sec - what the hell's going on? What the shit is burning?!?! I pulled the towel from under the pan and threw it onto the still open oven door. The fire smothered itself, but the towel kept smoking.

I looked at the stove, and I had never turned off the burner that the noods were on - it was bright as fuck red.

I am such a damn re-re sometimes. But at least I can cook pretty good.

I know Good Charlotte is the stuff of the devil but I can't help liking "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous".

I'm hopeless.

One of the nice things about going through tons of files for the website is that I’ve found a couple of old things that are way hilarious. (to me, anyways. but then, just about everything is hilarious to me.) I warn you ahead of time, it’s got a swear word in it (what the hell have I made outside of work doesn’t?) but if someone with the uberfast uberweb connection can find and burn me a copy of a program called Screentime or something similar, then (remember before you look at it that it’s full of the swearing and horrendously bad lip-sync) this would make quite the funny screensaver. And I’d totally pay you a quarter for your help.

I made that one night last year while me and my old roomie Chris were bored. Call me crazy but I don’t think it’s going up on the website.

And dammit, I got a call from him today while I was at work and he’s not gonna be in CA at the same time as me after all. Suck-diddly-uck, I'm drinkin' alone. Except for all the other people I end up going to Sing Sing with.

Back to what I was talking about before – it’s not that I’m condoning the pirating of software. I’m just saying if you happened across it in your internet travels that you should probably pick it up before someone else does. It's sort of like internet garbage. Except that when you pick it up other people can still pick it up, too. So I guess it's nothing like picking up garbage. It's more like yoinking. Which in my book is totally fine.

So on to other bigger and better things. Thanks again to Shaft and his cd-dubbing equipment. I forgot to listen to the cd before I destroyed the record, but I’m sure it’s fine. I didn’t really destroy it. I made it into one of those funky record-bowls. You go try making one, it’s crazy good fun. There’s directions for it and all kinds of other cool things at getcrafty.com. After looking at that site I really want to put some racing stripes on my car.

After the racing stripes the only other thing I’d need to make the helicopter come and carry the car away would be a huge spoiler.

I felt funny leaving work today because I was the first one in the department to go and some of our prints are due to go out tomorrow. I did stay until almost 5:30, which is a full hour after normal leavin’ time, so why did I feel guilty? Rest assured I got over it real fast once I got outside and it was beautiful and sunny and 60 degrees. It felt so good I decided to forget about going to the gym and come home to eat dinner and sit my ass on the couch and read for a while instead. I'm such the productive one.

So… let’s see… what else is going on…. I’d say a whole lot of jack squat. Get the hell out of my blog.

E-mail me if you like the animation.

Or e-mail me if you think it’s terrible.

Or just e-mail me.

I like to slack off at work and read e-mails on Fridays. (who doesn’t?)

The end.

Mary Ellen Hooper, why can't you come to Skyline Comedy Club next week when I'll have a couple extra dollars?

You suck.

Dude, the Sherry Bobbins episode of the Simpsons is on.

What a nice end to a great day.

I guess it was great except for the part where I spent the entire day making minute color changes to that damn ditsy print that was giving me so much grief a couple of weeks back. That was very lame and/or annoying and/or tantrum-inducing.

But there was quite a lot of interesting/cool things today. Two things in particular come to mind:

1) Ghosty speaks!!! Holy crap, who knew?

2) Heard from Jerry Ring today – all this time I been sending stuff (translation: porn) to his email and it’s quite possible he never got any of it because today he was writing from a different account. Oops.

3) I have more men worthy of my list!!! Hooray! (I’ll be so freakin’ glad when I hit number 100, because then I won’t have to think about it all the damn time. It’s like an undercurrent to all my other thoughts – everything gets cross-referenced with “should he go on the list?”) So without further ado, here’s to the newcomers:

Jamie Kennedy
Sean Williams Scott
Taye Diggs
Tyson Beckford
The superhot triplets on that cingular wireless commercial
And, strangely enough, lionel ritchie.

Which brings the current total up to 82. Sweet lord, I have 82 people on my list. That’s awesome.

4) hmmmmm….. what else do I have to talk about? I guess I’m spent. Time for precious, precious sleep.

5) Oh yeah. My tax return’s not here yet. Dammit.

Later gators.

Bask in the glory of my technical difficulties!!!

There's a problem with the server and no one can get to their work. Bwahahahahahahh. So I thought maybe I'd go check out if anything new was on Don Hertzfeldt's website, because I haven't been there in quite some time.

And lo and behold, there are 6 new Temporary Anesthetic strips! Go! Read them all! Now!

What? You need more prodding? There's one about a manatee...

Found an interesting new bloggy blog about the war and such, link’s to the left. Thank you Maria for linking to it.

So I’m not writing much tonight because guess what!!! I’m working on the website! Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Don’t bother hitting the “website” link to the left, it’s still the same broken crap that’s been there for over a month. Right now I’m working on getting gallery images together and resizing and making thumbnails and optimizing images and so on and so on… I’m so glad I get bored enough to get off my ass and work on my millions of unfinished projects sometimes. Not all the time, mind you. Just sometimes.

Couple of cool things:

1) Had lunch with the two-eyed steph today at Tumbleweeds. No one should be that overjoyed to be working there. NO ONE. Other than that it was good. Except for the fact that it was snowing, but I don’t really think that was the restaurant’s fault. I could be wrong.

2) Got a great call from my Wisconsin eye guy’s office today. The receptionist called to tell me that she had a conversation with the doc about me and that yes, annual (as opposed to bi-annual) visits would be fine, but if I start to notice any abnormal blurring or floaters in the good eye I need to contact them immediately. My first thought was “well yeah, duh.” But my second thought was that I have a lot of respect for doctors who actually give a crap about their patients, and don’t just dismiss them with a you have to be here every 6 months so I can have your money. I have had doctors in the past that have known my financial situation (translation: poorness) and haven’t cared; they just kept making me come in for stupid 3 second long observational visits that left me pretty much unable to work that day because my eyes were all dilated and they didn’t have any afternoon hours.

And I understand that the Doheny Eye Center is very good, and has an extremely good reputation. They treated me well, and were very thorough. But sometimes a practice that large tends to lose sight of the individual.

Bottom line is I’m happy I don’t have to go back to the retina guy until November.

3) Why the hell is it taking so long for my tax return to get here? Where’s my money, biatch? Not part of my money, not some of my money, but all my money!

4) I thought of something really sad this weekend while I was cleaning my little frog’s aquarium. Sasquatch is almost 3 years old. He’s so senior citizen in tiny aquatic frog years; he's gonna die soon. And that will make me cry. Guarunteed.

I’m not gonna worry about it any more until it happens. That would be a huge waste of my time, and the frog won’t make out with me when he knows I’m upset about something.

aaaaaaaaaaand we're back.

with all this time i spent fixing the blog i could've been working on the website. food for thought.

mmmmm.... food.

yeah, so the blogger's giving me shit. it magically made my template disappear. please bear with me while i try to fix this lame ass shit.

Daylight savings time is fucking stoopid.

Rollerskating, on the other hand, is quite awesome. Last night we tried The Gem Roller Rink in Appleton. The first strike against it was the kid on the phone gave me bad directions:

"so you stay on the 41 until the Oneida exit, then make a right on Oneida, blah blah blah and so on and so on"

"Lemme get this straight - you stay on the 41? Until Oneida?"

"Yup."

All of you from around these here parts that are reading this are probably thinking "No, you'd have to get on the 441 to get off on Onieda." And now we know that, too.

But all was forgiven when we saw their sign - big yellow square with a graphic of a rollerskate in front of a huge diamond. It was sweet. And it sparked a conversation about Jen and me writing the essential coffee table book about roller rinks in the midwest.


Their floor was wood, which turned out to be much nicer than whatever they got going at Fox Valley Skating Rink (I want to say linoleum).

There were a lot more kids at this rink and virtually no parents in sight, like the kids had all been dumped there while the parents went to a movie or drinking or cow-tipping or something. And the one adult who was “running things” spent more time trying to show off his mad skating skills to the kids than actually policing the joint.

That part was a little creepy. It was a lot of “lookit what I can do!” and then some stunt. Rinse. Repeat. And whenever it was time for moonlight couples skate he would skate with this one chick and she was maybe 17 or 18, and with me knowing some messed up midwest stories, watching them I could almost believe that they were some kind of couple. I don’t know. It could’ve been totally innocent. Moonlight couples skate is so hilarious, because it’s like telling the kids “HEY! IF YOU’RE A LOSER WITHOUT A SIGNIFICANT OTHER GET OFF MY DAMN FLOOR!” Way to give ‘em a complex. This time Jen was trying to get me to ask this 8 or 10 year old I’d been chatting with during the limbo to skate with me, because we had a history now. And he was wearing an X-men shirt. And Hugh Jackman’s totally hot – have I mentioned he’s on my list?

But that’s beside the point.

At the start of the limbo contest, this boy was standing behind me – I turn and ask him if he’s any good at the limbo, and he kind of laughs and says no. I tell him how I suck and usually end up hitting my head. He says he falls on his back all the time. I only got under the bar 2 times this week, then totally smacked my head super hard on the bar; my feet flew out from under me, landing me on my ass laughing. I got up and made my way over to Jen, and while we were talking about my horrid performance the boy skates by, laughs, and says “I see what you mean.”

The freakiest thing about the limbo contest was the chick who won actually did the splits and leaned way forward while she went under the bar. It was insane.

There was a lot more of the tricky roller-discoy type skating going on at this rink. Apparantly they have some kind of team where you learn how to do that or something. Jen and I are working on teaching ourselves. Just you wait, we're gonna be roller disco stars. With choreography and everything. My roller disco name’ll be…. um… Steph. Yeah. That name’s totally hot.

And all hail D.J. Carl, the worst roller rink dj ever. I mean come on, who skates to Meredith Brooks? (yes, it was that Bitch song. Which is a good song, don’t get me wrong. But skateworthy? No.) I think he had reddish hair, though, so I’ll forgive him because I’m a sucker for the redheads. Even if they are only 17.

And alert the press, I’m a winner. I did the race thing last night and came in third. Sure, it was out of four people. But third place is pretty good. Especially if you take into consideration that the guy who won was the old guy who ran the place – he doesn’t count at all because it was a girl race. And the girl who came in second didn’t really count, either, because she wasn’t an amateur skater. So really, when you look at all the facts, I came in first. And I totally kicked that 9-year-old’s ass. She better watch it if she wants a rematch, because now I’ve had a taste of victory and I liked it.

It tasted like a free soda.

Which is really very tasty after a crazy night of the rollerskating.

So let me explain.

The bunny suit was pretty skanky looking. I really didn't want to touch it.

So the bunny's just sitting there, and I'm just sitting there, and we look like dumbasses.

And, because this was a super-classy operation, we're sitting in front of the Revlon cosmetics rack which was covered up by a big black piece of plastic. (most likely a garbage bag.)

The lesson here kids is you get what you pay for.

Oh the things I do for the Haileymonster.

I did go to Walgreens this morning so I could have a funny picture to send to my niece, and wow. That was without a doubt the scariest Easter Bunny costume I've ever seen. There were kids that were crying because it was so freaky. So they let me sit and get my picture taken, and there was much laughter to be had by all. I get to pick it up after 4pm today - if you're lucky, I'll throw it up (barf!) on my blog.

I got home last night and realized there was a terrible oversight on my list. I only hope he can forgive me. Number 74 is:

Conan O'Brien

One of these days, when the full 100 have been named, I'll re-post the list in one piece and in order of hotness. It'll be easier for everyone. Or something.

And I'm freakin' done with the damned snow. It's making me angree. And when I get angree, people die.

But before they die they see the ring.

The end.

aaaaaaah, peace and quiet.

All the insane crazy "make me 50katillion colorways of this print" is done. At least for now. The meeting to look over all the stuff's at 10, and after that I may get a million changes and shit to do before the weekend. But with bossman leaving at lunch, it's a little unlikely.

With all the blessed free time I'm starting a to-do list for this weekend. So far it includes (in no particular order):

1) Clean the frog's aquarium so he doesn't keel over and die. (This sentence started out really gross. I cleaned it up just for you. Ever read Mercer Mayer's "Just For You"? I think it was one of me and Michelle's favorite books when we were kids. That and "The Gorilla Did It". And "Bears in the Night", when we had to read it to the other sibs.)

2) Drink. (and hopefully snag the last Woodchuck for the third time)

3) Get my ass up on Saturday for cheezyass aerobics because I skipped on Tuesday.

4) After the Y, proceed to Walgreens to get my picture taken for free with the Easter Bunny.

5) Watch an infomercial or two. (Sweet lord i need cable NOW. Or maybe I could just read a book. OR I COULD GET CABLE.)

6) Roller-skating!!!

7) Maybe go see a movie. I was all jazzed about Chicago, but then I saw a preview for Vin Diesel's latest on the boob toob last night and I'm sorry to the naysayers, but I like his movies. They're not highly intellectual pieces of philosophical wisdom that make you think and discuss for hours on end afterward. They're just fun. And he's on my list. (At this point who ISN'T? Michael Jackson isn't, for one. And Crispan Glover. That creepy fucker couldn't get on my list if he paid me 50 bazillion dollars.) So long story short, w'all (doesn't work quite as well as y'all... but what else would work as the we version of y'all?).... okay, let's try this again. Who wants to see a movie!

8) Drink some more.

9) Call my bank a dozen times to see if my tax return's here yet.

10) Send a b-day card to my aunt.

11) Have a beer.

12) Continue the Great Photo Album project of 2003.

13) Work on the website (hahahahaha, that's never gonna happen. it's nice to think about, though.)

14) Maybe watch the SNL - Bernie Mac's on this week. Should be good. Unless it sucks. Which is entirely possible.

15) Continue plans for world domination.

The to-do list may change as I see fit. (translation: I'm not gonna get to all this stuff because I'm fuckin' lazy.) Now get back to work, slackers.

Sincerely,
The Rollerslut

p.s. - hot!

Important lesson of the day #1: when you look up “what does a woolley monkey eat” on Yahoo, my site is number 3 on the list of most informative resources.

I love the webtracker.

There was a commercial on tv just now for a churchy type show that comes on Sundays; the old guy who probably hosts it kept pointing at his bible saying how “the answers are in here”. What if he was accidentally holding a different book during the taping, say, The Complete Book of Porn?

I can’t fuckin’ believe tomorrow’s Friday already. Thank dog.

In a week prints are due. So I keep telling myself it can only stay this bad for seven more days. The current count is 119 colorways of those same 19 prints that I talked about yesterday. You remember how there were only 84 colorways last night? They multiply like crazy rabbits, I tell you. There’s a big fat presentation tomorrow, and everyone’s on each other’s case and getting testy (not testes, perverts) and having to stay late and I can’t wait ‘til the damn thing’s done and over with. I felt sorta bad after I left because I was kind of a jerk about it. Bossman tried to hand me another change and I’m told him it’d have to wait until tomorrow because I had to leave. And then, hooray, I left.

I really could’ve stayed and done that one more thing. I could’ve skipped cheezyass aerobics. I mean, everyone’s trying to finish up and go home. But I’d had it. Too much shit, too many colorways, and why do I have to be the one to offer to stay and help out all the time? Not like there’s many people left in the department to do that… I guess for the most part everyone who would’ve cut out at 4:30 instead of staying on to help everyone else is gone.

So that paragraph maybe doesn’t make any sense... but you know those days – the ones that are just full of more and more and more and more crap and all of it has to be done by the end of the day and you just want to take a brick to someone’s face.

And just about every day this week I’ve been waken up (woked up? Woken up?) by the alarm clock while in the middle of some truly weird dreams. I'm not even going to write any of them here, they’re that easily analyzed. None of you need to know how messed up my brain is.

Speaking of moldy sweat socks, do you know the “I’m not an axe murderer smile”?

Of course you do.

It’s the smile you give others when you pass them in the hall – you meet eyes and give them a little smile. I know it’s supposed to come across as “hey, lookit me, I’m friendly, how you doin’?” but when I see others do it, or when I do it myself, a little voice in my head says “Don’t be afraid of me; I am not an axe murderer.”

Coincidentally, it’s the same exact voice that says things like “Tom Hanks uses FedEx” or “Lawrence Fishbourne uses Motorola phones” when there’s any kind of product placement in a movie. The voice is sort of like the guy who does all the movie trailer voiceovers except smoother, maybe like a man version of the voice that says "I'm waiting to talk to you, call 976-chik" on late night television.

Where was I going with this? I did have a point. And that point is very pointy. And sort of sharp. So be careful out there, kids. There’s sharks waiting for you. You may need a bigger boat.

Two quick things while I'm on lunch:

1) Danielle Steel needs to be shot before she writes any more "books". I head the storyline from her latest this morning and immediately threw up on my carpet. The basic gist is that after 20something years of marriage this woman's husband leaves her for someone younger. My mom reads her stuff almost religiously, and after this one I predict she will never ever shut up about how much she related to the lead character. Barf.

2) Anyone know how to create a password protected folder in Windows 98 or 2000? My little sis needs the info, stat. Email me or something, and I'll pass it on to her. Much appreciated. Barf.

3) The madness at work never ends. Barf.

4) Barf is a funny word. barf barf barf.

5) Chicago this weekend! Who's with me? Barf!

6) Barf! I mean cheers!

huh. so i don't have much to say tonight.

except i have a current count of the prints i'm working on at the place of employment.

keep in mind that last season i had five prints (with colorways and all it was maybe 10-15).

tonight's count was 19 prints. and if you count all the colorways, it's actually 84.

that is completely insane.

so that's all you get. if you want some really fuckin' good laughs, go here.

maybe if i didn't have to stay at work so damn late doing stoopid printouts i'd have more to talk about. 'nite, fuckas.

Yaaaargh, my computer sucks. I hate when I’m writing, and it’s something that’s going very well and is slightly amusing, and then POW! (penis) – spontaneous reboot.

I say it again. Yaaaaaargh.

So here’s the headlines, as I can remember from just before the Great Reboot of… oh, I get it. Very funny. It was my computer’s April Fool’s joke on me. Don’t I feel the fool.

If my computer’s not careful, he’s gonna feel the sledgehammer, if you know what I mean.

Just kidding, my sweet little tower of circuits, you know I’d never do anything to hurt you (like maybe hurl you out my window). No matter how much of an ass you are.

Okay, for real this time. Here’s the headlines:

- The Cellofaned Monkeys (my sis Danielle’s ska band) has a sparkly new website! BEHOLD! (if you go to the pics section, she’s the second one from the left in the only pic there.

- No, I don’t get a break from the eye guy’s crappy bills. Apparently it’s not that my insurance didn’t cover any of it, it’s that there’s a huge deductible that gets to be paid before they do cover stuff. So oh joy, I get to pay another 300 bucks in May to hear that “yup, the eye’s still broken.” Dammit.

- The Simpsons rerun with “piepants” in it is on. Freakin’ hilarious.

- Didn’t do happy hour with the department tonight for a couple of reasons. Biggest one is I didn’t feel like it, mostly because I couldn’t really justify skipping the gym to go hang out with someone who couldn’t be bothered to rearrange her schedule to do much departmental party time with the rest of us while she worked there. So instead I skipped the gym to go to Walmart, cook some chicken for dinner, and do laundree. Not that you needed to know that… unless you’re writing a book about me.

If you are, make sure to write about the time I thwarted a plan to blow up a nuclear bomb over Los Angeles.

No wait, that was 24.

Just make sure you do tell about the time I wrestled an alligator and then stapled the word “jackass” to my ass.

No, hold on, that was Jackass.

Okay, so I don’t have much good story to tell. Go make something up.

- It’s been a little while since I’ve added to my list. How about we add these fine specimens?

Steve Buscemi
Michael Clark Duncan
Ewan McGregor
Vincent D’Onofrio
Andrew McCarthy
Christian Slater
Jack Johnson

So we’re up to 73. It was brought to my attention last week that there’s no women on the list. And after much thought I’d have to say that there definitely women that I think are hot, but it’s more of a “holy cow she kicks ass” kind of admiration than a “she’d make me gay” kind of thing. So sorry ladies, but you’re not welcome on this list. There’s plenty of room for you elsewhere, methinks.

- I had more that I was gonna write about, I think. Maybe (no, probably) about how I’ve been especially homesick lately. But that’s not news to anyone, so I’m just gonna quit bitching about it. I get to go back soon enough. (I can’t freaking wait!) Related to this, I can’t wait to see Ann while I’m there – I haven’t hung out with her in soooooooo long.

- The amount of prints I’m working on has now exceeded an easily countable number. They can’t be clipped together anymore with a paperclip or one of those black plastic dealies with the metal wing-things. They have to be in a binder. That’s how many prints there are. Last season, I had 5. 5 sheets of paper. 5 prints. No headaches. Wish that was still the case. Overtime looms in the horizon like Godzilla, ready to wreak havoc on something.

- No matter what you think you know, pirate jokes are really quite funny. Observe:

Q) What is the 17th letter in the pirate alphabet?
A) ARRRRRRRRRRR!

Q) What kind of socks do pirates wear?
A) ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrgyle!

Q) What’s a pirate’s favorite way to quit smoking?
A) the patch! ARRRRRRRR!

That’s it, that’s our show. I think I’ve written way more than enough for the night. I gotta go rinse this mask shit off my face. I love clay masks, they make me giggle. (nothing else makes me giggle EVER. I’m a very serious person.) And hopefully this one will do as it promises and get rid of the acne that’s plotting to take over my entire head. Ick.

Later gators.

Sometimes I wonder if blogger makes publishing temporarily unavailable in an effort to make more people switch to blogger pro so they can get paid.

This just in: could it be that an eye doctor is gonna give me a break on my bill? We shall see, we shall see. I called my wisconsin eye guy today and told the receptionist that my insurance didn't cover any of the last visit at all, and doctorman told me i need to come in every 6 months, and i can't afford a 300 dollar bill every time i go. So maybe they'll cut me a deal or tell me I only have to go once a year. Either way would help a ton, because it's really not worth it to pay 600 bucks a year for some doctor to look in the gross eye for a couple of seconds each visit and say "yup, still broken. see you in six months."

But maybe that's just me.

I'm going back to work now. Maybe sometime tonight I can actually publish today's and yesterday's bloggies?