Daylight savings time is fucking stoopid.

Rollerskating, on the other hand, is quite awesome. Last night we tried The Gem Roller Rink in Appleton. The first strike against it was the kid on the phone gave me bad directions:

"so you stay on the 41 until the Oneida exit, then make a right on Oneida, blah blah blah and so on and so on"

"Lemme get this straight - you stay on the 41? Until Oneida?"

"Yup."

All of you from around these here parts that are reading this are probably thinking "No, you'd have to get on the 441 to get off on Onieda." And now we know that, too.

But all was forgiven when we saw their sign - big yellow square with a graphic of a rollerskate in front of a huge diamond. It was sweet. And it sparked a conversation about Jen and me writing the essential coffee table book about roller rinks in the midwest.


Their floor was wood, which turned out to be much nicer than whatever they got going at Fox Valley Skating Rink (I want to say linoleum).

There were a lot more kids at this rink and virtually no parents in sight, like the kids had all been dumped there while the parents went to a movie or drinking or cow-tipping or something. And the one adult who was “running things” spent more time trying to show off his mad skating skills to the kids than actually policing the joint.

That part was a little creepy. It was a lot of “lookit what I can do!” and then some stunt. Rinse. Repeat. And whenever it was time for moonlight couples skate he would skate with this one chick and she was maybe 17 or 18, and with me knowing some messed up midwest stories, watching them I could almost believe that they were some kind of couple. I don’t know. It could’ve been totally innocent. Moonlight couples skate is so hilarious, because it’s like telling the kids “HEY! IF YOU’RE A LOSER WITHOUT A SIGNIFICANT OTHER GET OFF MY DAMN FLOOR!” Way to give ‘em a complex. This time Jen was trying to get me to ask this 8 or 10 year old I’d been chatting with during the limbo to skate with me, because we had a history now. And he was wearing an X-men shirt. And Hugh Jackman’s totally hot – have I mentioned he’s on my list?

But that’s beside the point.

At the start of the limbo contest, this boy was standing behind me – I turn and ask him if he’s any good at the limbo, and he kind of laughs and says no. I tell him how I suck and usually end up hitting my head. He says he falls on his back all the time. I only got under the bar 2 times this week, then totally smacked my head super hard on the bar; my feet flew out from under me, landing me on my ass laughing. I got up and made my way over to Jen, and while we were talking about my horrid performance the boy skates by, laughs, and says “I see what you mean.”

The freakiest thing about the limbo contest was the chick who won actually did the splits and leaned way forward while she went under the bar. It was insane.

There was a lot more of the tricky roller-discoy type skating going on at this rink. Apparantly they have some kind of team where you learn how to do that or something. Jen and I are working on teaching ourselves. Just you wait, we're gonna be roller disco stars. With choreography and everything. My roller disco name’ll be…. um… Steph. Yeah. That name’s totally hot.

And all hail D.J. Carl, the worst roller rink dj ever. I mean come on, who skates to Meredith Brooks? (yes, it was that Bitch song. Which is a good song, don’t get me wrong. But skateworthy? No.) I think he had reddish hair, though, so I’ll forgive him because I’m a sucker for the redheads. Even if they are only 17.

And alert the press, I’m a winner. I did the race thing last night and came in third. Sure, it was out of four people. But third place is pretty good. Especially if you take into consideration that the guy who won was the old guy who ran the place – he doesn’t count at all because it was a girl race. And the girl who came in second didn’t really count, either, because she wasn’t an amateur skater. So really, when you look at all the facts, I came in first. And I totally kicked that 9-year-old’s ass. She better watch it if she wants a rematch, because now I’ve had a taste of victory and I liked it.

It tasted like a free soda.

Which is really very tasty after a crazy night of the rollerskating.