allright guys, i need your help. my ten year high school reunion's coming up. no, you don't have to say it. i know. dude. it's been ten years already. and that is some crazy shit.

the kids in charge of putting this way too expensive event together ($85 a person is heart-attack inducing. this evening better include a solid gold bowl of ice cream) have retained great reunions to plan the event... so i get a packet in the mail like 2 months ago with all this info, and a blank bio sheet for me to fill out that's just itching to be re-designed. and i was going to, but i was reading the directions again and maybe if i turn in my own redesigned sheet they won't even use it.

okay you rouges, i'll play ball. but my bio's still gonna be the best one in the book. and that's where i need your help.

i've typed up three biographies that are short enough to fit in the tiny tiny space provided, and i'm not quite sure which one to actually use. so for 30 points, tell me what your favorite one is, and if you have editing points (like "really, does your biography need to include that much swearing?") or ideas for the photo i have to send with it, include that in your comment. thank you muy mucho!!!

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option 1: double intrigue, hold the mayo
Shortly before my rainy high school graduation was to take place, I was cornered in a dark alley by a man in a trenchcoat. He told me I had to go to art school in Savannah, Georgia, and that I must leave immediately. After handing me my assumed identity in a manila envelope (with top secret stamped across the front a’la the old Clue board game), he punched me in the face. So I proceeded to kick him in the nads and steal his wallet.

During one fateful day in art history class, I cracked the DaVinci code. Why DaVinci thought it was so important to protect his favorite chocolate chip recipe in code, I’ll never know. (For the record, the secret ingredient was cocaine.) And dude. There’s not enough space here for 10 years of good-time shenanigans. For more on this gripping saga, visit your local library or www.stephlehman.com.

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option 2: secrets and lies
The last ten years have been jam-packed! POW! I fought Hulk Hogan in the steel cage and won, I got first place in the Tour De France, and I starred in a major motion picture, receiving an Oscar for my breathtaking performance as the lead in She Gets Around: The Fanny Eubanks Story…

I also made history as the first plastic surgeon to specialize in the baby toe. And I once jumped on The Man Show’s trampoline. But I think the thing I’m most proud of is finding a cure for cancer. Who knew it was as simple as putting a jellybean in your bellybutton? Seriously folks, it’s always the last thing you think of that ends up working, you know?

For more on this gripping saga, visit www.stephlehman.com

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option 3: information overload
Here’s a list of things I’ve done in the past ten years: lived in Georgia, went to art school, learned how to do old-school drawn animation, became an aunt twice, ate some chicken and waffles, became the reigning dance dance revolution queen, took off my pants and did a little kooky dance, learned the finer points of cross-country bus travel, played paintball, and learned to play the very first note of ozzy’s “ironman”.

I also lived in wisconsin, sledded down garbage hill, pulled an oversized balloon in a wanna-be macy’s day parade, jumped on the man show’s trampoline, drank way too much, threw up a few times, made a prom dress, learned how to cook, learned how to put out a kitchen fire, became way more comfortable with my past and present, yelled out the car window at many, many pedestrians, learned to knit, and met an amazing boy who is my partner in crime and shenanigans.

I made a website, too: come check it out at www.stephlehman.com