I promised a better blog entry for today and dammit, a better blog entry is what you get. I dug out “the sacred darth maul” poem for jen to read tonight, and we decided it was definitely post-worthy, even though it’s not my own writing. This is quite possibly the funniest thing my sister Michelle has EVER written. Good good shit. I warn you ahead of time – it’s a really, REALLY long read but well worth it. So there. If you don’t like long entries then skip it, but you’re missing out. And if you absolutely love it, email my sister at beshall666@hotmail.com - tell her so, because she hasn’t written in a while. Tell her Large Marge sent ya. And here we go…

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Once again there’s a tale to tell
Of the misadventures of Supermichelle,
Powers far beyond those of a police recruit;
Once again she dons the superhero suit….

Here’s a story some know quite well
The love between Darth Maul and Supermichelle.
Good and evil, like night and day;
They didn’t want it any other way.

Darth Maul loved his Supermichelle,
Enjoyed the stories she would tell;
About the villain’s she’d defeat,
His little hero could not be beat.

He’d tell her about how he wanted to be a master;
Oh, if only his apprenticeship were over faster!
She’d laugh and say “Quite a master you’ll be,
Someday you may even have to beat me!”

Sharpened each others skills by far,
Every night all in fun they’d spar.
He taught her the saber, she taught him to dance;
To the untrained eye what a peculiar romance!

One day Maul came home early from work,
Upset about dealing with some jerks.
He said “I’m finished! I want to quit!”
Supermichelle said “No!” and threw a fit.

“Work isn’t all games and fun!
You go back and get it done!”

“But those Jedi knights really suck;
I have to fight them, just my luck!”

“Maul you just do your very best,
this puts your skills to the test.
When the day is through and they are dead,
Get your butt home and meet me in bed!”

Darth Maul smiled, his spirits lifted,
After all in bed he’s quite gifted.

“Michelle I always count on you
to make me happy when I’m blue,
that’s why I so love you.”
She said “Hey, I love you, too.”

She’d made his lunch for that day,
Kissed him and sent him on his way.
Little did they know that this was the end;
Michelle would never again see her boyfriend.

Later that day, while in the grocery store;
Michelle heard a Jedi knight had killed a Sith Lord.
Obi Wan Kenobi struck Darth Maul down.
Word was out all over town.

Michelle lost control, it had to be a lie!
Couldn’t believe her sweet Maul had died!
The superhero weeped and mourned;
Never she’d feel the prick of her horned!

One name now burned in her mind
(Obi Wan Kenobi!)
Oh how she hates those Jedis!

It happened on about August the 5th,
She set out to avenge the death of her Sith.

Michelle searched near and far,
Found Kenobi in a bar;
Flirting with an evil imp named Breanne,
Michelle said “Scat!” and off the imp ran.

With a voice filled with hate,
Supermichelle said “Meet your fate.
You killed my man, you ruined my night,
Just for that, we must fight.”

Kenobi said with a grin,
“I’ll take you on and I’ll win.”

She spoke to Obi Wan, the most hated,
In a furious voice quickly stated,
“Hey dickhead if and when I win,
I get your life and your apprentice, Anakin.”

Kenobi paused and silently reflected,
Picked at a hangnail that looked quite infected…

He said calmly, voice filled with dread,
“When I win, a superhero will be dead.
The force is disturbed, so you I won’t kill;
But your powers are week, and win I still will.

So let’s not fight, let’s settle it over tea;
Hey, you might find you want to sleep with me!

You know – once you go Jedi,
You don’t want no otha’ guy!”

Supermichelle wretched! She got sick!
“I’d rather suck Jabba the Hutt’s dick!
How dare you ask me to sleep with you!
The one who cut my love in two!”

Sudden realization filled her head,
Looked at Obi Wan and said,
“Did you kill Darth Maul dead…
Just to get me into bed?”

Obi Wan laughed. “Yeah, babe, my plan had class,
You didn’t need that evil jackass.
Hanging with the dark side just isn’t cool,
It spoils your good image, my little fool.”

With that Michelle said “Your end is near,
It is you who are evil and wrong, I fear.
Maul and I, perfect compliment and contrast,
Blended good and evil, now in the past…

So bring it on now, put yourself to the test,
I learned from a Sith, I learned from the best.”

Obi Wan grinned and whipped out his light.
Michelle drew hers without dropping her sight.
Now we’ll see who’s the master of their art;
Soon one of them won’t be talking so smart.

With that the fight was on
Between Supermichelle and Obi Wan.

Light sabers swinging, fists flying,
To defeat the other they were trying.

The fight went on, Michelle grew weary,
Energized only by her fury.
Finally she thought, “This is enough,
It’s time to get really tough.”

A secret weapon was given to she;
Darth Maul had trained her, you see,
In case of this eventuality.

Michelle knew what she must do,
Exclaimed “Obi Wan! Untied! Your shoe!”

Obi Wan looked to see what was going on,
Supermichelle whipped out her can of Jedi-B-Gone!
Sprayed him liberally, as directed,
The crime commited is now corrected.

He stopped in his tracks and started screaming,
His skin blistered and started bleeding.
Tooth for a tooth, eye for an eye;
Supermichelle watched the melting Jedi.

She laughed at the bubbling Jedi goo,
“Never ever should you screw
a superhero whose love is true
now that you’ve seen what I can do.”

That being said, she walked off into the night.
In some cases two wrongs do make a right.