so i'm back, and i know you missed me. it's the secret webcam that i had installed that's equipped with super-secret spy technology.

for god's sake will you please put on some pants. i mean come on.

vacation was good. too good. much too good. hailey asked my sister this morning if they could pick me up from the airport yet, cuz she knows that's where they dropped me off yesterday. and you know what bill cosby? you were right. kids do say the darndest things.

so let's review my kick-ass vacation in an orderly fashion, by the numbers so we can quantify it and run tests and experiments on the data:

friday, march 12:
1: hour late into lax
2: people picked me up after
3: times driving around the entire 7 terminal joint
25: minute drive back to michelle and joe's
45: minutes until pizza arrived
2: beers removed from fridge and consumed
5billion: references to zoolander made
1: copy of zoolander watched
6: hours of sleep

saturday, march 13:
2: kids woke me up
3: bowls of cap'n crunch consumed (when the hell did the phrase "crunchitize me captain! make it on the box?!!?!)
60: number of times all of my cheapo fun bracelets went from hailey to jacob and back again
500: number of times the new/old samsonite suitcase was opened and emptied
36,000: number of cups of imaginary tea drunk
2: kid movies watched that i'd never seen before (finding nemo and that one i can't admit to)
3: number off other family members that came over to hang out while i was babysitting
3: number of hot chicks (ann, michelle, me except that i'm more lame than hot) that were at the big sexy table at the american wake concert
746: number of traditional irish dancers on stage in between the
3: irish rock bands that played at the galaxy
5: hours until ann's salad arrived
1: missed coffee invite after the show due to overtiredness on all our parts
3: hours of sleep until jacob decided to start yelling

sunday, march 14:
3: more hours of sleep
47: number of times the watering cans were filled so the kids could water the rocks in the backyard
832: number of times the suitcase was jumped on
58: rounds of hide and seek played with the kids
3: hiding spots the kids actually use (under the kitchen table, behind the couch, behind the bathroom door.)
2: little people movies watched, including the one with my favorite line ever: "fire dept. timmy is stuck on a cloud.
4:episodes of MXC watched... i didn't really realize the kids were paying attention to it while we were playing a board game, but all of a sudden jacob yelled "uh-oh" and starts pointing, and some dude had just eaten it in the mud and was all dirty. from that point on they were hooked. i hope they don't try it at home.
2: hours spent at mom's house

monday, march 15:
1: hour spent getting ready for the thing
4: hits of chewable pepto bismal consumed
3: seconds it took to get from my sister's work to the place for the thing
15: minutes wasted driving around so as not to be freakishly early for the thing at the place
90: minutes spent at that thing at the place with the stuff
1: costume change into something more comfortable
1: lunch with ann at that tasty tasty mexican place around the corner from her work
1: business card snatched from her desk so i can give it to all my illegal immigrant friends.
1: book bought at barnes and noble in hb
2ish: picked up michelle
did some more stuff... uh.. what else happened on monday?

tuesday, march 16:
dude, why can't i remember tuesday?

no wait. there was lots of slacking to be had on tuesday. i can't remember what i did beforehand, but i remember after a certain point i just sat on the couch and read, which is a completely fine way to spend a day of vacation. picked up michelle, hung out, and here's a number for the day:

304: rounds of boggle. i have to admit that ultimate coolness points are added to our scores if good enough creative words are found (mostly swears), and it's kind of gross but i got ultimate coolness points for fisted. joe got a really good one, too... what the hell was it...

it's also pointless to talk about sleep anymore for the vacay because jacob's working on getting taken off of the bottle and he's not real pleased about it. he's still a cool kid, even if he did keep us up most of the time...

wednesday, march 17:
i think i slacked off a lot on wednesday, too. michelle had to work, and i think she took the car. did she take the car? dude everything's kind of a blur. we did a lot of stuff involving hanging out, which i normally don't do when i go back but man it was hot. speaking of, here's some more numbers:

1: copy of wet hot american summer purchased on the cheap at best buy the night before
1: friend of michelle's came over
4: burgers and a bazillion french fries consumed
1: victoria's secret catalog completely defaced beyond recognition. it's amazing what a few jackasses with a sharpie can do, that's all i gotta say. and that heidi klum looks great with one of those twisty moustaches that bad guys always twirled in their fingers in old movies.
26: pieces of fake food thrown around
5394: times the channels were flipped because there was nothing on
2: episodes of south park and one of dave chappelle's show watched

sleep, glorious sleep, why the hell did you leave me during my vacation?

thursday, march 18:
5: of us at glen ivy
7000: women with horrible horrible tattoos, including a creepy eyeball one and another with some cherries near her crotch. which we decided was false advertising, because she was probably a slut to boot. (man we're jerks)
83: pounds of clay were spackled into that poor girls butt... i can't even begin to describe it. ask me about it next time we talk. it's just freakin horrible. but mostly funny.
1: old lady walking around that looked like a clay sculpture or something that some kid did in a lifedrawing class. she looked like a cross between that and one of those drip castles you make at the beach. and she was carrying a staff. it was weird.
5: of us making asses of ourselves during "water aerobics".
82: armpit farts in that one underground area
93: bags of candy bought at tom's farm
12: choc-covered cherries met their demise within 30 seconds. tom's farm's choco-covered cherries could quite possibly be the world's most perfect candy.
3: attempts at joining the fam for pizza at lampost
1: curt phone call from the mother saying they don't do that anymore
1: pizza (with a salad, don't forget their rockin salads) ordered from valutinas
1: copy of wet hot american summer watched. the audience was lukewarm about the experience, i think. mostly because we were overtired, but also because joe was antsy to see MXC.

friday, march 19:
i did some stuff. i don't really remember anything noteworthy on friday. hmmm... we went to ikea. aaaaaaand maybe pored over the exorbitantly priced apartments in orange county in an apt. magazine. and we probably talked about some boring stuff and maybe we worked our corner for some extra cash.

there's holes in my vacation that i don't really remember... i know we played more boggle that day which always rocks.

oh yeah, we hung out with my little sisters a bunch. it was cool.

saturday, march 20:
2: dollars spent on swap meet admission
6: pairs of my fave socks purchased
2: noisy bracelets picked up for hailey
1: used copy of the book the godfather to get me through the travelling on sunday
45: minutes total spent breezing through the joint. sometimes it's cool to blast through the place like that.
20: minutes spent looking for parking in the structure in downtown hb near the pier
3: paintball matches watched
64: surfers watched
5: surfers that actually caught anything while i was there. not a whole lot of waves happening that day
1: wind ensemble missed because i was waiting for michelle to get outta work
2.5: hours spent hanging with the little sisters, and later my mom.
3: people that gave in to the power of the tea
500: more episodes of MXC taken in with brandon, joe and michelle

sunday, march 21:
8: time we left for the port of air
7: the terminal i flew out of
20: minutes through all the gates and checkpoints
3: text messages sent to various people
1: superannoying attendant on the lax to chicago flight
3: hours it took to fix the plane that was supposed to get me back to oshsuck at 7pm but instead got me back close to 10
6,349,232: number of times i thought about actually skipping my flight and just leaving all my crap in wisconsin, never to return.

but hey. here i am, my frog's happy to see me, my job's happy to see me... plop plop plop noo nee noo. speaking of the job i should get back to it. so there. if this isn't enough shit to read how's about you write your congressman?