I wish that I had Jesse's girl.

Not really. I heard she's an ass.

This just in - Pantene is the shampoo that promises to take your hair to Electric Avenue. (where you can, this weekend only, buy a fridge and pay nothing until 2007!)

I got a very lovely newsletter and fortune cookie at work today courtesy of a certain someone’s hard work and crazy overtime. I haven’t read the whole thing, but something caught my attention in the descriptions of what you’re supposed to be like if you’re born in a particular year. I was born in the year of the snake; according to the research, I am romantic, deep thinking, wise and charming, although I tend to dismiss others too quickly and am a bit stingy with money. Mostly true (jury’s still out on whether or not I get the gold for Most Charming this year), except I never really thought of myself as stingy with money. Stingy says to me I’m not willing to help others out if they need it and that’s never been the case. I do have issues with spending money on myself, though, and I don’t know if that qualifies. A lot of it is leftovers from never having ANY extra money back in California - the cost of living is way higher there and I was earning slightly less than I make here. Through that I learned to be super practical about spending. This translates to I never went shopping. Ever. I got into the habit of putting blinders up when I was out shopping, because even if I was at the mall I couldn’t afford to shop so why bother even looking. And I’m far from rolling in the dough now, but since the move there is actually a little extra money after all the bills get paid with each paycheck. I'm finding the never shopping is a very hard habit to break.

Another side to this is little pangs of guilt over feeling like I should be helping to support my younger brothers and sisters. I know it’s not my responsibility. I feel bad anyways. But that, my friends, is a whole other set of issues for another time. I’m going to take care of the mountain of dishes in my sink, and then I think I’m going to Target for some swanky Swell stuff since I don’t get The Jamie Kennedy Experiment on my tv.

(You remember that one Simpsons where a bunch of the kids got stranded on a desert island? "It'll be like Lord of the Flies but with swearing. We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!" I have no idea why that just popped into my head.)

3 things that were nifty about tonight:

1) Cooking with no one getting sick or dead.
2) Seeing all of these places within 5 minute walking distance from ThinkBox on American Idol tonight, and pissing jen off with my “IT’S NOT IN LOS ANGELES, IT’S IN GLENDALE” tirade.
3) Leaving the P and seeing an old, beat-up Jack antenna ball on the car parked next to me.

Oh, and Ileana Douglas is on the Drew Carey rerun that's on right now. You should care because I'm going to sleep now.

Note to self: The post office has changed Priority Mail from taking 3 days to taking 3 WEEKS.

3 weeks. I could've driven the box to Cali and back 3 and a half times by the time Hailey and Jacob's stuff got there. At least it's there, though. And Hailey's digging the hats.

So I was on the phone for what felt like forever last night. First I had gotten a card from my grandma thanking me for the delicious brownies last week. (i have no idea how she can call them that. i had one, and they weren't all that. i think you lose some of your taste buds when you hit 70something.) So I called her to let her know that it got here and thanks. I have no idea how the post office can miraculously translate her nonsensical scrawlings on the envelope into my address, but they do it and it freaks me out. Our phone calls are always pretty short, like five minutes, with lots of pauses and "so...." and "well...." until one of us goes "well I'll talk to you soon, I gotta jet."

Then I called my mom back, and was on the phone for almost an hour with her. I was ready to get off (huh huh, she said get off) of the phone with her within the first 5 minutes... sounds like she's getting a dog and she and her ex are getting back together again for round 3. No lie, my sister kept count on the last boyfriend my mom had and they broke up and got back together 17 times. There's a point where it's just excessive.

After that I called my sister, and we were on the phone for almost an hour and I got jerky because I was just really over being on the phone. There's nothing new on the website yet. The stuff I started last night isn't safe for human consumption yet. It'll probably be a few days, seeing as tonight's drinkin' night. Not get stinking drunk and puke 500 times, mind you. I got that out of my system last weekend.

I'm just gonna have a couple. Which will be plenty, I'm sure.

And to keep you going on celebrity gossip, here's a nice bit about our friend Ahhhnold.

p.s. - anyone want to drive down to madison to see the donnas on v-day?

Bloody hell, I was in a meeting for 3 full hours today. What did I get out of it? Precious little. It was enough pain, so no gym for me hooray!

I turn my celly off during work and last night I didn’t remember to turn it back on until just before bed, at like 11:30 at night. When I turned it on, there was a voice message. I listened to it and started laughing. I wonder if I psychically knew my mom was going to call? And I know what she wants to talk about and I dread it because I know exactly what she’s going to say. Rrrrrr.

In other news, I left the car lights on coming back from lunch today. If I had a quarter for every time I’ve done that… thank god I remembered they were on a half hour after getting back to work instead of 4 hours later. No lie, I’m on the third car battery because I’m retarded about car lights.

And I’m spent. I’m just too damned drained to write anything else today. Tonight I’m gonna possibly start working on the website again. Link’s to the left, lemme know if you think it sucks and I’ll come to your house and kick your ass. (and then fix what’s dumb.)

Ringy dingy, pizza's done!

Anybody reading this watch the Super Bowl yesterday? And if you did, did you see the Reebok commercial with the football player tackling all of the office type peoples? And if you saw it, do you know Donovan Sims? Knowing Donovan made that commercial so much funnier. And speaking of the Chocolate Thunder from Down Under, I hope his antics are fully appreciated at the military-type job in Alabama. (though I highly doubt they play Tekken for ownership there. aaaah, memories.)

In other news, today went way fast which has been extremely unusual lately. I got a ton of stuff sent out to New York, which doesn’t really matter since it’ll all be changed again at tomorrow’s meeting. But at least it’s sent. My “sorry I broke one of your rental glasses with my head” card went over really well; thank god Derek’s got a sense of humor. Jen and I had Taco Hell for lunch. The bastards gave us one napkin to split and no sauce of any kind. And the mexican pizza tasted like it’d been sitting under the heat lamp for possibly 5 hours. Yum. And does this deter me from eating there next time? Of course not. Because occasional bad experiences aside, Taco Hell is pretty tasty.Then we went back to her place and.... uuuuh.... huh huh.... NO! Perverts! We watched The Bold and the Beautiful! And it was good, cheezy fun!

Before I go, this is some funny shit – last weekend I was throwing out some old emails and found this. There was a time when I would get this one same spam letter 2-3 times a week. I got tired of it, so I went through and reworded it. (all of the caps words are mine, and i know caps are annoying but retyping them is even worse.) From that point on, every time I got the letter, I would send my revisions to the person who sent it to me, because it's pretty freakin' funny. Unless your humor glands are broken. So here we go:

*******************begin transmission*******************

Please remove me from your goddamn mailing list. I have taken the liberty
of rewriting some of your sales pitch; you can see the new version below.
You should send this one out next time because it's a much better read.

Once again, please don't send me any more of your crap.

Sincerely,
Stephanie Lehman

**********************
You were recently referred to us as someone who is ready for a NEW PAIR OF SOCKS, a STATUE OF ABE LINCOLN, AND A CAN OF SOUP, so we will get right to the EYE EXAM.

We can help you make CHINESE STARS plus WOODLESS PENCILS this year from YOUR LOCAL HOSPITAL with your computer and phone STUCK UP YOUR
ASS. This is Not ONLY GREAT FUN but it IS ALSO very MIND-EXPANDING.

Are you RETARDED about making DINNER starting Right Away with a SIMPLE CAN OF MANWICH where TELEMARKETERS WEARING GARTER BELTS are contacting SEARS and you do absolutely ZERO ASSTRONAUTING?

Can you follow simple MIDGETS and put forth the effort to make this a PAIN IN THE ASS for yourself AND EVERYONE ELSE INVOLVED starting today? If your answer is FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NO, then we need to ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT OF THE HAIR CLUB FOR MEN.

We have a few positions available on our PROSTITUTES and it's in our best interest to KILL you for A LARGE SUM OF MONEY. In fact, we're so sure that we can do this that we're willing to put our money where our mouth is! Upon accepting you as a TRANSVESTITE on our team, we will provide you with complete COLLECTIONS OF LAST YEARS SPORTS ILLUSTRATED and SPANK to put you immediately on the road to EL DORADO.

No EAR MITES necessary.... However you must have two CHINS, moderate SIGN LANGUAGE skills and a SERIOUS Desire for CHOCOLATE COVERED OFFICE FURNITURE.

Take a moment to REFLECT ON ALL OF YOUR SHORTCOMINGS by calling us at our HEATED IGLOO and we will get you A SMALL CIRCUS MONKEY NAMED FRANK.

1-800-206-3934 ext. 5758
24 Hrs/ 7 Days

Prosperous SWEAT GLANDS!
Diane and Catherine

"ALCOHOL is better than wages. Wages make you STUDLY; Profits make you a LARGE ELEPHANT WITH NO LEGS TRYING TO REACH THE COOKIE JAR ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE"
- Jim Rohn

Some important things I learned last night:

1. Four cosmos is far too many for a steph with an almost-empty stomach.
2. Out of all the places I puked last night, I found Derek and Robert’s bathroom to be the classiest.
3. Martini glasses are not drunk-friendly, and can be easily smashed with the human forehead.

One thing I’d love to learn about last night:

How did one of Jen’s shirts end up in her toilet?

It was a long, long dream, so I won’t tell you aaaaaaaall about it, but this morning as I was waking up I was in the middle of dreaming I was at the Robin’s Nest. There was a ton of people there that I’d never seen before, including some punk-ass junior high kids who stole my glasses and my frog. (why did I have my frog with me? who the fuck knows?!?!) I couldn’t see anything but mushy shapes, and I saw the damned kids take Sasquatch out of his aquarium and start playing with him. Somewhere along the line I got the frog back, but they had hidden the aquarium. So I’m walking through the apartment trying to find it without my glasses on. And I walk into what I thought was the bathroom, but it was Eric’s room and lo and behold, there was the aquarium. As I quickly opened the lid and threw the frog in I realized this aquarium wasn’t mine. Eric had little tiny pet octopi. And tiny frogs that looked exactly like Sasquatch. I couldn’t pick out which one was mine anymore. I had my hand in there, trying to scoop the frog back out and one of the octopi started attacking my hand. In the midst of the fight I think I accidentally ripped some of its legs off. And in my dream, I was very allergic to octopi; by the time Eric and Pete found my glasses my hands had swollen up really bad. They looked like when you blow up proctologists gloves for ha-ha’s.

What does this all mean? Seriously. If you are into the whole dream-analysis thing I’ve got a million of them for you.

In other news, slacking because of the cold is over and I went to the gym this morning. Men in bike shorts is so very wrong.

So very, very wrong.

Aaaaaaaand…… cut.

I’m single again.

What else is there to say? You have to break eggs to make… (shifty eye shifty eye shifty eye) eggs.

Famous Michelle-isms will some day take over every one of us.

What a damn long day.

Work seemed to go on for freakin' ever, and I have (or had, I probably deleted them) the email string between me and jen to prove it.

Then, after work, I played the good granddaughter and took some brownies I had made to my grandma's house for her birthday. An important lesson to be learned here, folks: if you're going to drive an hour to Hartford to chat for a while and deliver brownies that have been sitting in your car all day, you should probably call first to make sure the person or people you're going to see will actually be there. I won't tell you why I say that.

Oh okay, they weren't home. So I got to turn around and come back.

In light of other recent events I'm going on blog hiatus. Don't know for how long. In the meantime, why don't you go read a book? (not From a Buick 8, though. King's just not doing it for me anymore.)

'nite, suckas.

Oh, that's just great... I lost what I wrote because I didn't hit post before adding a few new art links to the template.

I think I'm spending too much time alone on the weekends. I'm feeling this very weird mix of antsy, lonely and antisocial today. Thankfully today is almost done. Go check out the website, link's to the left, there's some new changes and if it's lame I want to know.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…… I’m addicted to tracking craziness.

The webtracker says someone went to my blog after looking for, and I quote, “pictures of strip poker for people's home” on Google. Freaking hilarious. I’m like site #6 or something like that. More disturbing, but still funny, is being listed as #7 for “daughter grandpa porn”. People are sick. And funny. But mostly sick. And mostly funny.

Not much for tonight. Today was draining. Prints are due tomorrow, and the powers that be decided this morning that 50kazillion new things be added to the list of stuff that has to be done by tomorrow night. It’s just the nature of the beast; the same thing happened last season and from other people’s accounts it happens every season. Which means a few days of stressful chock-full-of-hell days before things slow down to normal again.

I got an email from myself this morning. It totally freaked me out – it was from me, addressed to me, written exactly in the same rambly lameass speak I normally use… and then I realized it was from my earthlink dial-up account, which my siblings back home use to get online as well. My sister Danielle was just fucking with me. And it worked. Way too well. (for a sec I thought maybe I HAD gone crazy and written the email and forgotten about it. I do stupid shit like that sometimes. Like leaving phone messages for myself when I’m drunk. And sometimes when I’m sober.)

The highlight of my day? (aside from having spaghetti for dinner and seeing the show Scrubs and remembering how funny it was and hanging out on the couch talking with me boy of course. Notice how he was last on that list, after spaghetti and t.v…. I am an ass. I swear I like him more than t.v. Jury’s still out on the Ryan vs. spaghetti showdown, though. Check back later. ) Anyways – the highlight of my day. Cue the lights and music, please.

I bought a new stick of Chap Stick. And it was good. And by good, I mean tasty. So after I finished that one, I bought another one. I plan to keep it around for a while, and perhaps give it a name. Charlie’s a good standby name. Everything should be named Charlie. Except for my car, which is named Chuckles, the Happy Clown Car of Doom. Long story. (editor's note, 2/3/04: the car's name has been extended to Chuckles, the Happy Weenmobile Clown Car of Doom. Still a long story.)

In other news, (and this is obviously very special to me because it’s probably the katillionth time I’ve brought it up) Chuckles rolled over to 220,000 miles yesterday while I was driving to work. 49,000 miles of that is mine. Why this is important I have no idea. I’m not even going to try and explain, because I’m going to bed.

And so, after an entire year of the old Under Construction page, I’ve moved on to bigger and better things.

Meaning there’s a brand new Under Construction page on the site. But this one’s different! It’s actually a damn work in progress! Wheeeeeee! Take a look, and if you totally hate it I want to know so I don’t get to the end of it and then find out I should’ve done something differently from the start. Keep in mind it’s under construction, though – those stars on the left aren’t done yet, so they’re kinda lame right now.

But it’s a start. And it’s up on the internet for your amusement. My favorite part is the logo rollover animation.

Not a whole lot to say today except “I got something to say, I killed your baby today…”
This Simon Dufour flashback moment brought to you by Crest. When we were in grade school – I think close to eighth grade or so, he’d call me and my sister and sing random song lyrics sometimes.

It’s 11:30, and I should be in bed. Or heading there. Lord knows I’m tired enough for it. I’m going soon enough. What the hell am I going to get my mom for her birthday?

You’d think that since I’ve got nothing really important to say this evening I’d just stop typing.

Jen’s already doing her taxes. Ick. It’s not even February yet.

I really do need to hit the hay. One more thing – I jumped on the webtracking bandwagon and this blog has a link to mine. I’m curious how she found my site...

11:30 is late enough.'nite, mofos.

I wrote this earlier this morning while I was at work... Sometimes it amazes me how productive and how slacky I am at the same time.

********************************
You ever have someone that asks how your weekend was and your mind goes completely blank? For me, there's some people (like the one who just sat at the 'puter next to me and small talkishy asked) where they like to pick on everything a lot so you don't really feel like saying anything. In those cases my brain shuts off and for the life of me I can't remember at all what I did. And for a split second I almost believed that hey, my weekend was pretty lame.

But it wasn't! Let's review.

Friday:
-had dinner with the boy
-subjected him to b.o.b. on the way to the bar
-went to the P for Emily's partee
-drew some funny Wanted posters (okay, they weren't really that funny)
-got a stern talking to from Jen for forgetting it was a cowboy party and then forgetting to tell her
-made up with jen over icing lip moisturizer
-got ron to participate in the yelling game
-got my sweater unzipped on more than one occasion.
-made ryan listen to b.o.b. on the way back to his house (he's such a good sport about not killing me.)
-hung out with him some more, almost fell asleep
-went home (almost fell asleep on the way home)
-went to sleep

Saturday:
-did laundree (and played ms. pac man! and almost finished From a Buick 8! yay me!)
-went to the post office and mailed the broken cd to stoopid half.com guy
-also found out there's really nothing the post office can do about the box I tried sending to my neice over 2 weeks ago that they lost .
-went to the grocery store
-talked to my mom, bro and sisters back home
-got fairly homesick
-started finishing the pants i promised Brittanie I'd do about a month ago
-went to JoAnn Fabrics when I broke my sewing machine
-found (cue heavenly music) the underwear pattern my sister was talking about last week
-had meatloaf with the boy
-went to mable something or other on main street, where we hung out with sara and ryan and many other people whose names i can't remember (there was a laura and a christine?)
-went back to ryan's
-got in my car
-started the engine
-threw in a new cd
-drove home
-had a hilarious slapstick moment when picking up my mail leaving me with a bump on the back of my head, and crying and laughing at the same time
-went upstairs
-opened my door
-closed it behind me
-put on my pjs
-went to sleep

Sunday: (i can hear you saying "dear god when will it end?!?" knock that shit off.)
-finished finishing the jeans I was finishing for my sister
-started making the funniest pair of underwear ever
-surprised Phil and Steph by showing up at their house to watch the game
-watched some of the game while eating Froot Loop flavored potato chips
-went home
-sewed some more
-put on my funny new underwear
-ate some fish and got very mildly ill
-went online and did a stoopid blog
-went to the Robin's Nest, watched cartoons
-went back to my place
-went to sleep

So yeah. My weekend was sweet. So there.

So.... anyone know what a mild allergy to fish feels like? maria? I had suspicions a week or so ago, and it's come up again. That slightly warm, fevery, headachey, sicky feeling.

The only other allergy I may or may not have is Mr. Bubbles. But Michelle says there was a pretty widespread thing back then with kids getting rashes from the stuff because the soap was just too harsh. According to her it's much milder now. No matter, me and Mr. Bubbles don't bathe together anymore. Back in the eighties he left me for the G.I. Joe shampoo with the unscrewable head. Bastard.

Don't pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang
Bombs over Baghdad!
Yeah! Ha ha yeah!
Don't even bang unless you plan to hit something
Bombs over Baghdad! Yeah! Uhh-huh
-Outkast, "Bombs Over Baghdad"

Somehow looking at the lyrics makes the song seem a little lame.

But you don’t understand how great today is. (unless you had a good day, too, then maybe you do. But this isn’t about you, you selfish bastard. Enough about me, what do you think about me?) A couple of years ago, when I first started at ThinkBox, I had a late shift and would be driving home at 10:30 at night. One night Bombs Over Baghdad came on the radio and it was the coolest five minutes of commuting EVER. I've maybe heard the song twice since then. Jen brought in the whole Stankonia cd today, and I’ve listened to B.O.B. an estimated 20 times. Happy happy day.

I’m starting to lose faith in ordering things by mail. I bought a cd from half.com a couple of weeks ago; it came in the mail yesterday. It was allegedly a promotional copy of the cd, with no cover art. That was fine, because I had the original cd art, and I had ruined the cd. (long, stupid story) So this “promotional” copy of the cd, which I paid nine bucks plus change for including the shipping, was nothing more than a burned at home copy of the cd that possibly cost the guy 50 cents to make. He didn’t even have the courtesy to write on it with a sharpie. Just blank. And on top of that, the damn cd didn’t even work. So I wrote to the guy and said all of this, and that I either want a real promotional copy as promised or a full refund. He emails back with “sorry for the trouble, send me back the cd and I’ll give you a refund.” I’m mailing it out tomorrow. But first I wrote all over it with my trusty sharpie so there’s no way he can sell it. Big freakin’ deal, he’ll just burn another copy. But there’s something satisfying about him not being able to pass on the crap he sent me. Tomorrow morning, along with mailing this crap back, I’m going to write an angree letter to half.com and hopefully get him attacked by dingos, or thrown off half.com as a seller or given a stern talking to complete with finger-wagging.

In other crappy mail-order news, I got my frog food in the mail today and the new plant I had also ordered wasn’t in the envelope. At least they sent the food, now Sasquatch won’t starve to death. Plant should be here next week. Why you should care is beyond me.

And! David Ackert! on TV! On CBS' "The Agency" on Saturday January 18th, at 10pm ET/PT! Congrats to him! Hooray for everything! (and hooray for me for getting in on the ground floor and having his derogatory autograph!) He's also got a play running in the L.A. area right now, e-mail me if you're out there and want the info.

So long suckas, it be dinna time!

Happy Birthday Emily!

Today was a really hectic-weird-crazy day to say the least.

And I haven’t done my dishes yet. And Seinfeld’s on – that episode where Jerry’s going out with the gymnast and George got caught eating garbage. So yeah, I’m not writing tonight.

And tomorrow's Friday! Hoo-fuckin-ray!

I was just about to write online and then my assy computer said “no, biatch, I’m shuttin’ down!” so here goes with try #2.

Today at work I got switched to Tim’s old G4 (cue heavenly music) and wow. Freakin’ wow. Every shitty thing that wasn’t working with the work computer before? Fixed. No more complaints. I love my work computer. Not like that. But… hmmm…. maybe check back with me in a week, that might change. (editor's note 2/3/04: yeah that changed. after the honeymoon stage, me and my work computer descended into a love/hate kind of relationship. the kind where i love to hate it.) Anyone ever see that episode of Upright Citizen’s Brigade where the guy could do whatever he wanted as long as it was through the hole in the sheet? Funny funny stuff.

My dishes smell yucky, and it’s quite distracting.

Anyways, during lunch I went and paid off the dorks at State Farm today, hopefully putting an end to the “we’re cancelling your car insurance – no wait we’re not” saga. Then had lunch at Subway with Jen, and had fun trying to get people to look at us while we danced in the car most of the way back to b’gosh. Got work done for once because, as I mentioned before, I have a rad-ass work computer now. Where the hell did I get the word rad-ass, and why did I decide it was cool enough to hang onto?

Something in the back of my head since watching the CNN at the gym tonight. Anyone who really knows me knows that hey, I’m not a big church person. Forgive me for sounding x-files, but I think there’s something out there. That being said, I’m not sure what brand it is and organized religion is not really where it’s at for me. No offense to anyone who does go to church – more power to you for having some form of spirituality. But while watching the police’s videotaped interrogation of David Westerfield I wondered about heaven. No, it’s more that I hoped about heaven. I hope there is something after we die, because if there’s not it completely and totally sucks ass that Danielle Van Dam only had 7 years before her life was stolen. The same goes for Samantha Runion and every other kid, every other person that something like this happens to.

That’s my somber thought for the day. Now I’m going to take care of those damn stinky dishes before they band together and form one huge Megazord. (yes, I watched the Power Rangers, but I didn’t like it and I didn’t inhale.)

g’night, mofos.

So, um, I lied. All of a sudden I wasn’t tired anymore, so I didn’t go to bed. I’m on my way in just a few. Started messing around with the website a little bit, and then my computer was an ass so I gave up for the night (the ftp thing that wasn’t working was probably something lame that I was doing wrong because I’m slightly tipsy) and now I’m blogging for your bloggy amusement. Or to help me wind down so I can get to bed. Whatever.

After one of my last posts I started thinking about new year’s resolutions. I generally don’t make them because (with the exception of the four year old one that’s still going strong) as a rule they get broken pretty early on. This year’ll be different. I’m going to finish my website before summer. That’s my resolution. (1/2/04 editor’s note: the website was finished in november) And I’m going to keep my stress levels in check by going to the gym when I’m supposed to. It’s good for the eye. It’s good for you, America. Ocean Spray. (for the most part I kept going, but not for the last couple of weeks because it’s been gross outside…) I'm going to make links as much as possible. (done) And I’m going to read more; someday this year I’ll finish From a Buick 8. (really good so far, I just haven’t had the time to sit down and read lately) (finished it and a few others – favorite reads this year were “flaming iguanas” by erika lopez and “valley of the dolls” by jacqueline susann) And while I’m making resolutions, this year I’ll do the following: fix up the chandelier I found in a dumpster at my old apartment complex, (yeah, it’s still sitting in that same crate next to my couch) finish the crazy collage drawers sitting on my dresser (why the hell haven’t I gotten to that yet?!?), fix the Pee Wee Herman picture frame (yeah I fixed it but good once I found out about the whole kiddie porn thing… the shrine’s in the process of getting a face lift, let’s just say.), do SOMETHING with that damn bookcase that’s been sitting unfinished in my room since I bought it at (cue heavenly music) Ikea almost 2 full years ago (yeah never got around to that, either), sew all of the patterns that have been accumulating in the pattern drawer (my but I was ambitious – but I did sew a homecoming dress, that should totally count for something…), put together my photo album of pics I’ve taken from childhood through the present (got as far as pics that were taken just after I moved here a little over a year ago), find somewhere to put the huge accumulation of fabric in the corner of my bedroom (I found a new place for it called a bigger box oh yeah!!!), and finish framing my derogatory autograph collection (done).

This year I will also actually START some paintings or cartoons or writing books or whatever instead of just talking about it all the damn time (did do some painting and some drawing and also learned how to screenprint and knit) . I’ll volunteer my time somewhere because it’s a cool thing to do. (yeah I tried that once and it’s no fun when you’re by yourself so that didn’t happen again) I’ll go to the dentist this year for the first time in probably 3 years or so (done – had a cavity, which has since been taken care of. And am now sort of hounded about getting the wisdom teeth removed. But hey, what’re you gonna do when you’re poor, right?). This year I resolve to cure cancer and ride around the earth in a hot air balloon constructed entirely of Play-Doh (yeah, um, I never got around to that…). By the end of the year I will be the first woman to be both Miss America and a narcoleptic at the same time (oh whoops, I forgot about that one…). By Valentine's Day I resolve that I will have eaten my weight in Necco Conversation Hearts (but I did do that, just like every year. And I didn’t cry this time or nothing!!!).

This year I will win the Tour de France and take the world by storm as the first legally-blind-in-one-eye woman to swim across Lake Winnebago wearing a large Doritos bag on my head. (Many women have done it, I’m sure, but none with one eye all jacked up.) (neither one of those happened, just too much red tape. Or I’m lazy. Take your pick.) I will eat everything on my plate at least once before the year is done (done), and also resolve to throw things (preferably water balloons filled with ketchup) out my apartment window at passerby every chance I get (I knew I was forgetting something…). I will swear whenever fucking possible, dammit (How is that different from normal? Gimmie a break, I have to have at least one resolution I know I’ll keep.) (fuckin done, dude.).

Perhaps most importantly, by the end of the year I will see The Big Lebowski all the way through, start to finish, without falling asleep once. (yeah, you know that never happened. I think I tried twice this year, and no dice.) Speaking of sleep, off I go. (yeah, me too.)
Good night, a-holes. (this just in – you’re still a bunch of a-holes!!!)

p.s. – a-holes is a funny word, even funnier than the actual swearing. (amen to that, sister)

my computer is a complete ass.

i just spent like thirty minutes writing good funny stuff and the bastard decides it would be cool to close my explorer window. so i lost everything.

fuckin' lame.

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a blue jetta.
You will marry some boy and have 4 kids.
You will be a naked chef in a dumpster.

I hesitated to put this up on my blog. The online M*A*S*H officially freaks me out.

In other news, Kat Evans finally got her site up and running! One of these days I'll get off my ass and get back to work on it. I'd make it my new years resolution, but except for the one I've kept for four full years now those never seem to last.

I have a ton of absolutely nothing to say today. I'm going to buy frog food now, because the slackass bastard can't go buy it for himself.

Why the hell is my mind such a blank this morning?