jenn and i have hereby decided that it's a big fat secret, but the passion of the christ is your ticket to heaven. you don't see it, you don't get in. they'll be checking at the gate, so be ready. (and don't bother with the cliff's notes, you should know by now that's not enough to pass a test)

five minutes at the gate with saint peter's gonna go something like this years and years from now:

"hello, martha stewart. let's check your files. mmm hmmm.... job description, domestic goddess... we didn't really appreciate you calling yourself that up here you know but it says here you beat the bum stock rap and saw our movie so in you go, welcome to heaven. what's that? no, sorry, we only keep 200 count sheets up here, anything more's just too pricey. oh. that's too bad, you would've had fun here. well, have a good time in hell say hey to the dark prince for me - we were supposed to get together for golf last week but things've been so busy lately, you know, all that sars outbreak crap that wiped out the midwest... anyways you're kind of holding up the line could you get a move-on? thanks.

next?

saddam, what the hell are you doing up here?!??! you what? no, you don't belong up here i'm sure of it. let me call you a cab. (*SIGH*) fine, i'll double check the records. oh wow. you saw the movie while you were in prison. uh... so... come in... i guess.... WAIT!!! do you still have your ticket stub?! cuz you need your ticket stub to - oh, you do. and it's in perfect condition. and it's hermetically sealed in a gilded gold frame. of course.

next, i can help who's next over here...

conan o'brien, welcome! wow! we're big fans up here, love your show just love it. that in the year 2000 bit, it's our favorite. the only guy we dig more than you is jon stewart, and he's already here. it's just a formality you understand - you saw the movie, right? okay what happened when blah blah blah did blah blah blah to blah blah blah (hey, cut me some slack i haven't seen the film myself yet)? wow, dead on. in fact that's the best answer we've ever heard. great, if you'll just get out your ticket stub, we've got an extra special pair of wings for you....

um, what is this? it's not a ticket stub. no, no it's not. it's a mushy white ball of pulp. you what??!?! left it in your pants pocket when they went through the wash??!?! ohhhhh conan. this is terrible. no, sadly there's nothing i can do. in the book here it says ticket-stub-destruction is right up there with incest and murder.

it's not sooo bad, though... i hear satan's also a big fan."